I hope this is a blessed year for all of us.

Grateful as one can be

My heart is FULL right now. I am amazed by the love and concern people have for us and our "need" to have a baby.

Here is a little list of all the goodness that has me so damn full:

My dear friend Jen told another friend about our struggles. Her friend has been in our boat and beyond. Well her friend K has emailed me everyday with the most useful and solid advice. I am a total stranger to her and she take TONS of her time to write these wonderfully detailed emails regarding good clinic across America, cheap meds and so on.

My sweet Mother tries to keeps me from losing my head and letting my mind run away from me.

Auntie M. I feel like her word is golden. What she says goes. I trust her with my life. She tried and tried and tried and tried IVF and finally got her babies. She's like a little pot of gold. HOPE!!
And then there is my friend Marianna. I have known her for YEARS. Her and I have always had a connection. You know those good friends that you don't talk to for years and then bam you talk one day and its like you never missed a day. Well she's one of those yummy little friends. She sent me the cutest little Christmas card and I received it yesterday. I put her card in my tree for all to adore. She text me tonight and said, "Did you get your Christmas card?". I text her back that I got the card and loved it. She text me back and said, "Did you look in the envelope?" Ummmmmmmmmmm oops.......... She text me back said look in the envelope. Thank goodness I had not tossed the envelope yet. I found the envelope, pecked inside and found a check. This was not any old check. This was a check for a thousand dollars. In the memo was written IVF fund. Needless to say I was shocked. I am still shocked. The weird thing is seconds before she sent me the text regarding the card I was rubbing, YES rubbing a tick out of my sweet doggies head. I was on the verge of tears and throwing up from that when she text me about the card. My body went from being grossed out and feeling so bad for my doggie to JOY!! I called her the second I laid eyes on the check. My body wanted to laugh, cry, jump, yell......... I sounded like a crazy lady while talking to her trying to find the right words to express my gratitude. She of course was kind and said all the things only a true friend would know to say. Man oh man I am still so shocked. What a wonderul woman. Thank you Marianne!!!!

So you see my heart is full of love and gratitude right now. It's truly amazing how people care so much. I am thankful to all of you for understanding our struggles and doing everything you can to make us feel loved.

PS Bandit's tick is out. ALL the way out. I googled how to get a tick out and some really smart dude said rub that sucker fast in a clockwise direction until it backs out. Let me tell you how f-ing fun that was!!!! Grossest shit ever. I was dry heaving and gagging when I was done. Sweet Bandit layed there like a good boy. He has a big hole in his head but all seems to be well.

What a day!!!

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas

Thank you!!

I want to thank all of you who purchased Pampered Chef items from my sister-in-law for the IVF fundraiser she put together for us.  I am sorry I haven't thank you sooner. Please forgive me :) Your kindness and support means the world to us. So many people have offered emotional and financial support and that fills my heart with such overwhelming gratitude knowing you all want Jason and I to have a family as desperately as we do. We love you all. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's therapeutic

Lately I have been making tons of little girl clothes, bows and now a baby blanket. I truly feel like its therapeutic. It's cute seeing little girl clothes laying around. Big fluffy bows piled on the kitchen table. And now a baby blanket folded nicely waiting for a baby to wrap and keep warm. My plan was to make the blanket and sell it but I feel a little bond with this blanket. Its the first blanket I have ever made so I feel like I should keep it just in case!! Maybe I will sell the next one and keep this one for my future babies :)

October 15th

I wish Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness was not needed, as we all do. If you have experienced this type of loss my heart breaks for you. I know how it feels to see a positive pregnancy test, over and over and over and then......nothing. Complete loss. But thanks to people bringing awareness to these issues hopefully woman (and men) will not grieve alone and will be offered to support they so desperately deserve.

I wish everyone happy, healthy pregnancies and BABIES!!!

Attention Baby Store Manager

Still not babies (shocking I know). Still no IVF scheduled. We talk about our future babies all of the time but still no major plans in sight. Our money saved thus far for IVF has gained $17 dollars and change in interest ha ha!! My sister-in-law Kimberly raised us money through her Papered Chef gig (thank you Kim!!) and my sister-in-law Lela (I love your f-ing guts) has offered a nice chunk of change once we get this party started so at this point we need a little over $4,000. Getting much closer!!!!!!!

I read tons of adoption/foster blogs and watch the Adoption Story daily on Discovery Health Channel. LOVE that show. LOVE! I am not giving up on the hopes of having a biological child at all but adoption gives me hope that one way or another we will be parents. It's nuts to think our future child/children may already be on this earth. Born to a mother and father unable to care for them and one day our paths may cross. Either way I sure hope to have some babies sooner rather than later. So ummmm God, Universe or whomever is listening Lani (our niece) put in her order for our baby about two years ago and we are still waiting. Lani has been told babies come from the baby store :) She placed an order directly to the baby store manager about two years ago. We have told her the babies are on back order and they will get us one as soon as possible. Oh man if it was that easy we would all be some happy ladies

K.A. and J.M. I miss seeing you cute girls each day. I hope you both are happy and healthy.

You took the words right out of my mouth

"TO YOU MY CHILD, MY BODY IS OPEN, BY EARTH, FIRE, WIND & SEA INTO MY ARMS I PRAY YOU SHALL BE"


Quote by: Accessory à la Mode

I would LOVE to pick them up today!!!!!

Why cant I just have them???? Just hand them over and I promise to love them with all my heart and soul. I am sick of, "if this", "if that". Why cant the stars be aligned right NOW!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!

Someone give me some babies :)

K.A. get your tissues ready before you open this link.

http://www.adoptuskids.org/child/ChildView.aspx?id=37942

Aren't they soooooooo cute!!!!!!!!! Pre-made and ready to go!!!!!!! 

P.S. Someone please get me a job bagging groceries where I don't have access to the internet and I can turn my focus on how shitty the public treats the service industry. It's either that or I search for babies all GD day. Lord help me!!

P.S.S. Not sure who this "someone" is I keep talking to but if its YOU then get on your duties and Jen get some babies :)

Dreamland

Two nights ago I had a dream that is still with me. It was vivid. Sometimes I love those dreams. The lighting, the smell, the way it felt was so real.

I had a dream "someone" gave me a baby boy. This baby was not a newborn. He was about three months old with a tuft of blonde curly hair on top of his little head. He was dressed in a pure white sweater outfit. It was thick and cozy. He smelled so good and was very mellow. I was just walking around holding him. The lighting in my dream was amazing. It was dusk and full of purple and blue colors. The baby was snuggled up with his face buried in my neck. Everyone I knew was around and they were all so happy for us. I just remember feeling at total peace.

I woke up feeling strange. Upset that it wasn't true but also very grateful I was able to have such a vivid dream. It stayed with me all morning. I can still smell the clean little baby.

Weird.

Tubal pregnancy preventer

So to make myself feel better I would like to change the name from "birth control pill" to "tubal pregnancy preventer!!! I don't need BIRTH control for crying out loud. I need tubal pregnancy protection. I like the way that sounds much, much better.

Can I get an AMEN!!!!!!!

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

Time Out

We are taking a TIME OUT. The stress of collecting the remaining funds feels so forced and I hate the stress its causing me. While we have a great deal of the money needed already the remaining amount isn't as easy to get as the first half :) And thats really ok. I can wait. I just need a break from thinking about all of this IVF business. I know, I am only getting older and time is not on my side but the stress this is causing me doesn't seem the least bit healthy. So time to regroup, save the remaining amount needed, get my head on straight and start up again when ready. I have my fur babies and a great husband and for now that's all I need. Some day, some way we will have babies rather they be "ours" or not we will :)

I am NOT bitter, depressed or crazy!!!!!

Dear people in my life,

I am NOT depressed. While what is happening and has happened with my fertility is beyond frustrating I am still a happy, health person. I love my husband with all my heart. He is a great support system for me. He is super funny and as sweet as sweet can be. He cooks, he cleans, he treats our doggies like gold and he's easy on the eyes!! I am not ashamed of my feelings. I KNOW I am not the only infertile girl with these strange thoughts and feelings. I read TONS of fertility blogs and its a little community of woman who feel just like me. I would never EVER let anything in my life take over in a way that would destroy me. I am feeling all of these emotions at this point in my life because I am in limbo. I want babies, don't know if I can have them. I want to start the IVF process but we are short the funds. So the things you read and the emotions I have are  complete and total frustration. LIMBO!!! Not depression. I would never let problems in my life take over. I would never lay down and die. I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am quick tempered. I need to get shit out. Everyone who know me should know at least this about me. Oh and I am not desperate. I want something and don't know how the fuck to get it. Its frustration not desperation. This is not the end of the road for us. Many blogs I read say blogging is like journaling. It's a way to write down all the sad, crazy thoughts that clouds your head. Don't read more into the shit I write than need be. If I need help or feel depressed Jason will be the first to call and let you ALL know. If you truly question my sanity call Jason. He may tell you I bitch a lot about stupid stuff but over all seem to be handling life just fine. Thanks for caring. I don't mean to cause alarm. This is a process so get on my crazy train and enjoy the ride!!!!! Got it??? Good.

Yours Truly,

Jenny

Apples new i *phone* commercial is total and complete SHIT!!!

Please tell me you have the same hatred for the new i *phone* commercial as I do. It's the one titled "Big News". Barf!!!!! Its a cute little skinny girl telling her honey he is going to be a FATHER!! Gag!! I always change it when it comes on and last night I couldn't get to the remote in time. My husband even hates the commercial which is total and complete confirmation that it's a heartless, lame commercial!!!!!! I am sure some sperm filled 23 year old freshly graduated advertising "genius" created that commercial. Definitely wasn't a woman!!!!!!! And if it was a woman she should have her ovaries gouged out with a spoon.

Just in case you want to torture yourself here's the link. Beware!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXp3UwQxcwc&feature=related

You make me jealous with your babies and two nice legs.

I can't help feeling jealous that you have children. I can't help it. I can't help that I don't understand you and you don't understand me. I do understand just because you have children doesn't mean I should also be able to have children but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it drives a wedge between our relationship. I feels awkward attending functions that belong to children. Sorry. I know, life is totally unfair. I should be grateful (and I am!!!) that I have a dear sweet husband, a wonderful place to rest my head and everyone around me is healthy and happy. I get that. But it still stings.

I feel like being an infertile is like being a marathon runner who lost a leg. You run and run seeing the finish line and BAM, legs gone. Sorry you cant finish the race. Just sit right here mourning the loss of your leg while we run and jump all around you. Look at our fabulous legs. Boy we sure love our nice legs. Hope you get a leg soon. Sure you MIGHT be able to run a marathon again one day but you need $15,000 dollars to start and there are NO guarantees we can help you but sign right here and lets see what happens. Oh your $5,000 from your prosthetic leg.........sorry not right now, you must WAIT!!!!! We know you don't have $5,000 dollars but you'll be ok, just wait. You have plenty of time. What was meant to be will be. Maybe you weren't meant to have two legs. Its all up to God. Maybe if you pray harder and sin less you can get a new leg. Whats that, between you and your husband you pay over $500 a month for insurance. Well insurance doesn't see it important for your to walk so just hang out and drive yourself nuts. Pray a little more. It worked for my sisters co-worker.

F*ck!!!! I could go on and on.

My point is I feel jealous of what I don't have (I know, I know, don't we all) and we are $5,000 dollars away from being parents (I hope to be the hated infertile that's IVF cycle worked on the first try) and I feel NO one in this world understands the complete and total urgency I feel to find away to get that money ASAP.

So close. Soooooooo sooooo close. Awwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh how I wish this was my lifes theme song!!!!! FUNNY SHIT!!!!!

A friend and I were talking about my previous post, the lady with the dual uteruses. Well one thing led to another and she started singing this song. Thanks for the laughs K.A.




My Baby Daddy - B-Rock and the Bizz

I cant even get pregnant in my ONE uterus and this babe gets pregnant in BOTH of hers!!!! BOTH!!!

The story below is from CNN.

Seriously??!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman who has been pregnant for more than 20 weeks is due to give birth to two babies. But they're not twins, because they’re growing inside separate uteruses and one is four days older.



Angie Cromar, a Murray, Utah, woman, was born with two uteruses, according to CNN affiliate KSL. The condition is known as uterus didelphys.

CNN.com spoke with Dr. Peter Greenspan, an associate chairman in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Medicine, about the condition. He is not involved with Cromar's care.

Usually women aren’t even aware they have double uteruses, he said.


This condition occurs during fetal development, when the two small tubes that would normally fuse together to create the uterus fail to join. This creates two separate uteruses.


Greenspan said he has seen several pregnancies in women with this condition and most of them conceive in one of the organs.


“I’ve a patient who had a baby on her right uterus, then come back pregnant years later in the left side and have a baby out of that side. It’s kind of interesting,” he said.


While it's rare to conceive in both at the same time, it has happened, he said. Doctors usually don’t remove an extra uterus unless it creates complications such as repeated miscarriages.


“The issue is preterm labor, because it is a smaller cavity. It’s half the uterus,” said Greenspan. “There are premature contractions. The other issue is they have trouble and can’t remain pregnant when they get to a certain point because the uterus is too small or too tight.”


Cromar, a labor and delivery nurse told KSL that she knew that risk of miscarriage or premature birth is slightly higher in double uterine pregnancies.

"I'm a little nervous, just because I know what can happen, but I'm really excited," she said.

Hope to START the IVF process in 90 days!!!!!!!

OK so things are getting closer. I spoke with the IVF coordinator at my clinic and it looks like mid September (when aunt flow shows up) is when we will start the process. We still NEED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and I have NO clue how we are going to come up with the cash but.................. But what, I really don't know. Sure we could get a loan, put it on a credit card and so on but that doesn't seem right to me/us. I need to get a second job or some shit. Now the search for CHEAP meds. If anyone has any ideas how we can earn cash and FAST I am all ears :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Infertility is sooooooooo stupid!!!!!!

I have been thinking lately and I am scared to EVEN try IVF. I know, I need to stay positive but I keep thinking, what if it doesn't work????? I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the one that spent $15,000 and got NOTHING but a kick in the ass. After soooooooooooo many failed pregnancies how on earth could the next be positive????????? I am scared, scared, scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K? K.

Bananas

K.A. this is for you. Thanks for listening.


I think about babies every moment of everyday. I look at my husband and my heart breaks to think I may be the cause of his fatherless future. But I need to remain positive. I need to believe in science and my body. I sometimes think I would love to adopt a sibling group and a ton of animals. Then I think, well what if the universe really wants me to adopt and that’s why I can’t have babies. This is my own private little daydream, not my husbands. But really, thoughts like those help me feel not so desperate about our situation. Thinking outside the box makes me feel like we WILL be a parents one way or another. To be honest I have searched  http://www.adoptuskids.org/ more than once. And let me tell you what THAT WEBSITE IS HEART WRENCHING.

Months and months ago I noticed an all boy/male sibling group, needing a forever family in Louisiana. Three little guys, Randy (12), John (10) and Jimmy (9). They, of course, want to be adopted together, AS A FAMILY, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE, A FUCKING FAMILY!!!! They want to live in the country (US TOO) and Jimmy loves bananas (ME TOO and so does Gizmo). Seems like the perfect match. Sign me up!!!!! I often daydream about adopting these little guys and living in the country. I check the website from time to time to see if they have been adopted, NOPE!!! Ugh. And then there is Jason (11). His brother Micah has been adopted and Jason is still waiting for a family. WHAT THE FUCK people?? These poor babies need a family ASAP. So you see, is me not being able to have babies the universes way of telling me/us……. ADOPT. Well Mr. Universe these are just my daydreams. My husband DOES NOT search the internet looking for babies that need a mama. No, that’s just my crazy ass. But really Universe give us at least one shot at having a baby. I would like at least ONE HEALTHY baby!!!!! From there we can talk adopting babies and animals and saving the world. I truly hope with all my heart and soul that Randy, John, Jimmy and Jason find amazing families that treat them like GOLD. I hope life stops throwing grownup problems at them and that they are able to live a beautiful life in the country, eating bananas.

Waiting for Daisy

Sunday I read this book from cover to cover. It is a great story about a couples desire to have a child.
It's a must read for those trying and TRYING to conceive.

Visualize.........

My "head" doctor said, "VISUALIZE being pregnant. Visualize the IVF process. Visualize your ovaries working. Visualize the embryo attaching to your uterus. Visualize being pregnant."

Wow I love it. It really struck a cord in me. She also said, "You can't predict the outcome so imagine the very best."

I like her. She's smart.

Confused

I am confused. I guess I don't completely understand ectopic pregnancies and IVF. I understand when trying to conceive naturally your risk of having an ectopic, after already having at least one, is higher and high with each one. Makes sense. OK so how in the hell do your chances increase with IVF once you have already had an ectopic. IVF with no history of ectopic's your chances are 2-3% chance of having one. IVF with history of ectopic 5%. I know we are talking LOW numbers here but how are your chances increased. Aren't the tubes out of the game at this point?? I guess I don't understand what the egg does before it implants. Does it travel all around, down the tubes and back before implanting. Does it travel down the tube and get stuck. I don't understand. Weird!! All I know is I have had my fill of ectopic pregnancies and I am not going to pay $15,000 for another. Oh the joys of being an infertile. Crap I tell ya!!!!!!! Crap!!

The PILL!!

I just want to say life is confusing. I am on the pill but cant have babies without the help of IVF. And I'm not talking the birth control pill you take at the beginning of your IVF process so they can gain control over your cycle. I am talking straight up birth control. Because without this amazing little pill I would get pregnant in my remaining tube, AGAIN. I know, I know. It's good news in the grand scheme of things but weird as hell for a woman that wants a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got nothin'

While I am sooooooooo excited about my upcoming IVF plans I just cant think of anything special to say this week. I am feeling bad for all the wildlife being tortured by the horrific BP OIL CLUSTER F*CK!! My heart truly hurts for the entire Gulf Coast. There is a heavy load on the folks down here and the mood is somber. It feels hopeless and desperate. I hate it. I hope that some how some way all the animals being affected by the oil feel no pain and if they must die I hope its quick and painless. Sad. Sad. Sad.

IVF Fund is GROWING!!!!!

My MOM just added a nice CHUNK of change to the IVF fund. Thanks mom. Because of her lovely contribution I was able to revise my "CHIPIN" donation widget. The IVF fund is growing and that makes me happier than anyone could ever imagine. YIPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIONESS WANNA BE THATS ME

I feel like a Lioness without a cub. I am protecting the idea of my future cub. I am protecting every thought, every dime, every wish I have for my future cub. It's all I have right now and I feel fierce so watch out, don't mess with me. This Lioness wanna be is watching for lurkers sniffing around her den disturbing her thoughts. Heaven help us all when I have pregnancy hormones running through my veins :)

I am lucky

In the past year I have had three tubal pregnancies. I say this because once I really sit back and think about it that is some hardcore shit. In the infertile world I am considered "lucky". Most woman have NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test. Most have never seen their little "bean" on an ultrasound screen. Well I have experienced both. My problem is not getting pregnant its getting pregnant in my uterus. My fallopian tubes tube is crap and can't push the little baby to my uterus. The doctors know my problem and IVF was created for woman with my problem. YIPPY!!!!! So see, I am lucky. A new little friend of mine made a great point. She has unexplained infertility .She has spent years and TONS of money trying to conceive and still, nothing.  She said,  "If a doctor told me all I needed to do is pay $15,000.00 to have a baby, I would pay it in a heartbeat." Wow, really.  I never thought of it like that and it sure makes me feel LUCKY.

DON'T say whats on your fertile little mind.

1. It will happen when you least expect it.
2. If its meant to be it will be.
3. God has a plan for you.
4. Let go and let God.
5. Maybe you will get pregnant now that you aren't living in sin.
6. When you stop TRYING and relax it will happen.
7. You can have MY child.
8. Have you thought about adoption.

I really am working on not being so bitter. Really I am :)

Little bits of craziness fill my head and I blame it on Target

Sometimes I cant help but "hate" pregnant strangers and women with newborn babies. I just went to Starbucks (in a Target store) and I felt like every woman in f-ing store was either prego or carrying a car seat. Jealousy feels my veins. Even worse when there is a mother with a boatload of children and she is yelling at half of them. Never would I wish a second of infertility on any of them, NEVER but I cant help but think of them as ungrateful. I KNOW this is just me being jealous. I just know it. And sometimes I look at pregnant woman and think what if she just completed her 3rd round of IVF and is so thankful to be pregnant she can hardly stand it. What if she has been trying for year and years and mortgaged her home ten times over. Maybe the women who have been trying and trying send off a different vibe then those who just climbed in bed and ta-da, pregnant. Again I am just being jealous. So I just hope the day I am cruising around Target 9 months pregnant I don't make a motherless woman jealous. Maybe I should just stay out of Target all together.

Step #1 THE MONEY

This is ALL still sinking in. It is all so scary. The money, the medicine, the needles...... IVF is in our near future. WOW. Really??!! Most everyone gets to have a baby for "free". Not us. We must pay at least $15,000 to have us a little baby(s). I am grateful for modern medicine. We are truly blessed that there is hope for us. We are grateful for IVF. While it is expensive and insurance doesn't cover a dime, we are grateful for the option. Our goal is to start the IVF process late fall of 2010. Not much time to save THOUSANDS!!!!!!!! But we have hope that it will all work out. At this point we need $6,000 more dollars to begin. We were given a HUGE donation from a very dear family member. We are forever thankful for her kindness and know that her donation brings us steps away from our dream. In the next couple weeks we will be setting up a "donation" account. Without the help of others it could take us YEARS and could cause us to be in terrible debt. No way to start a family right :) So here starts the beginning steps of our IVF journey. Wish us luck.