Monday, January 7, 2013

Just relax.

Infertility is very misunderstood. Two things in life make people uncomfortable, infertile woman and vegetarians. I am both!!

People say some really off the wall things to us about not being able to conceive.  Some things are mean, said with no thought or understanding and others just off the wall. Some people totally ignore the topic while others wrap us with unbelievable love and companion. Our infertility is not “unexplained”. We are not “trying to hard”, we do not need to “relax”, and adoption won’t clear my Fallopian tubes. We understand life lessons, God’s speed, faith and patients. We know about your sister’s friend’s aunt whose sister knows a lady at her children’s daycare that had 5 kids after 12 years of trying to conceive. We know it’s hard to find the right words to say. Watching other people struggle is sometimes uncomfortable. We get it. 

1 out of every 10 couples will experience infertility and struggle to conceive. The sad part is a lot of women don’t talk about it. It’s bitterly painful. How to you explain to someone who has happy healthy children the pain that you and your partner are experiencing. It’s impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced infertility the absolute and utter despair you feel when you look into your partners face for the forth time and tell them that once again the positive pregnancy test will not lead to a happy healthy baby in nine months. The guilt I feel for not being able to give my perfectly healthy fertile husband a child is pretty deep. He doesn't like it when I say that and hates that I feel that way but it’s the truth. The good thing is I know he’s a good man. He’s in this for the long hall. He’s kind. This is not "my problem", this is "our problem".

Infertility is hard on everyone. My sweet parents, whew. My mom would give her right arm for a grand baby.  She hasn't slept in the past four years. She worries, worries, worries. I’m sad that she feels sad for us. When I told my dad that we might be adopting (the adoption that failed) he was so excited. He said being a grandfather was on his “bucket list”. Hard shit to deal with but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, I think lol.

We are not bitter and we haven’t lost faith but we are exhausted. We are grateful for people like Maria, Lela, our dear Moms and many others who help us along the way with much needed mental support. 

Maria is my sister in law. My brothers wife. She's a no nonsense girl. She fights for what she wants. The girl does NOT give up. She’s like a boxer. She takes hit, after hit, after hit and still fights. She’s as tough as tough can be. She’s a good woman to have in your corner. We are lucky to have her. 

And my sweet sister in law Lela. Awwww where do I begin. She’s like the foundation of a strong, sturdy, well-built home. Without her nothing is possible. She’s is like a bullet proof vest. She’s a rock!

I am thankful for all of those who see this journey as something we share. I'm thankful for those who are willing to take over when I just don't have the energy to think about IVF for another second. The love and support I feel from people around me is amazing. It's nice in these moments of stress to have such a strong team. Thank you peps. Thank you. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Bye bye 2012!

It’s been a very long time since my last post. I've missed my blog girls! A lot has happened in 2012.

This summer I had another tubal pregnancy. I've lost count at this point! We've become numb to loss (grumpy outlook, I know).

In October one of my husbands sisters asked to meet with him in private. She said she had something important to talk to him about. She told him her 21 year old son and his 21 year old girlfriend were pregnant and they wanted to place the baby for adoption. She asked if we would be interested. UMMM YES PLEASE!!

We met with his nephew and birth mother  They said they were not in a position to keep the baby. After meeting we were all on the same page. We had a plan, a very open adoption that everyone felt comfortable with and all seemed as good as good could be. The birth mother was positive she was making the right decision no matter how many times we tried to question her or change her mind. She knew what she wanted for her baby and no one was going to change her mind. Adoption was her idea and hers alone.

Time went by, each time we spoke we all reassured each other of our intentions. An attorney was hired, paper were signed, baby items were purchased, they asked us to pick a name for the baby, maternity clothes were purchased, a baby shower was planned and then BAM, she changed her mind. Just like that. Back to square one.

We are not upset with them. We want them to keep their baby. We want them to grow up and work it out. It’s just painful how it all went down. 21 year old's are a bit selfish and can NOT begin to imagine our disappointment. But life goes on. Lesson learned.

This just happened a couple weeks ago. Life feels normal again. The sadness has lifted. But we were so close, closer than ever before to being parents. It has left us wanting to try IVF again now more than ever. 
So here we are once again scrambling to raise $15,000 for an IVF cycle. This time around we are using ARC.  With ARC we can do one fresh cycle and one frozen cycle (only if the frozen is needed) for a little over $12,000. I have a bit of unused medication from our 2011 cycle so that should save us a few pennies on medication. Whew!! 

Without the help of my mom and two of my sister-in-laws I wouldn't be able to continue this path. Jason and I are maxed out. The stress and disappointment is more than we can even express at this point. We need all the cheerleaders we can get. So… GAME  ON!!

Next step on this roller coaster ride, MONEY!! Wish us luck.