Friends

The other day a bloggie friend sent me an email to check in on me and see how I was doing. I responded and told her what was up. She then replied with the sweetest email. I am so lucky to have such sweet bloggie friends. I love that I have a small little community of friends from around the country that can totally relate and know just the right thing to say.

This is a little piece of her email. I mean really, why am I so lucky to know this woman :)

I think they're prices are fairly reasonable and if you came to him, you could stay with us...seriously, we're like 5 minutes from his office. I'll even give you your PIO shots if you need me to! Just throwing that out there for food for thought...

Thank you "A" for the email. It warms my heart every time I think of your offer.

Spark, Spunk, Joy......... Happiness

I ripped this pic from the Internet. I love it. When I am feeling like myself this is what my brain looks like :)



It's official folks, I have lost my SPARK!!

For those who know me know I am a cheerful, colorful, sparky sometimes spazzy kind of girl. If's "it's" funky, old, vintage or weird I love it. If "it" shines, glimmers, glitters I am drawn to it. Several years ago my hair was pink and then purple (not in a cut your wrists emo kind of way but in a fun kind of way).

Well friends I have lost that girl. I have felt different the past couple months and just wrote it off as crazed hormones from the IVF medication. But that was in May. That can't still be it, can it? That medication jacked me up. I was a crazy person who's freaking hair was falling out. JOY!

My husband has said a number of times I seem like something is on my mind, I don't seem like myself. My boss asked me out of the blue a couple weeks ago if I was ok. A couple other people have said little things in passing asking if something was wrong. Today my sister in law asked me if I was ok and said something seems to be off with me. She said I am usually crazy and happy and I haven't been like that for awhile. Geeeeezzzzz people is it that noticeable?


I don't feel like myself. I feel weird but I can't put my finger on it. It's not depression. It's like my spark is gone. My cheerful little weirdness has faded. WTF?!?!?!?

I know I get caught up in my own thoughts, A LOT!! I worry, worry, worry about IVF and babies. Looks like now that others have noticed my spark is gone I need to put my big girl panties on and find some flipping joy in my day to day life.

If I was in Salt Lake I would make an appointment with my favorite funky hair stylist. I would start my come back tomorrow with short pink hair. That will have to wait until December. For now I will just try and focus on being happy, finding joy in my day to day like. I need remind myself kids or no kids my life is A-OK.

Wish me luck. I am going to need it.

IVF is addicting

Even Barbie's friend Midge can get prego in her plastic uterus. Stupid chick.

Please tell me how something so expensive and stressful can be SO addicting?!?!?!?!? It should be a crime to charge baby starved folks tons of money to have a baby.

Jason and I went to our adoption orientation and it was very eye opening to say the least. I am happy that we went because it answered a ton of questions. The amount of time, research and energy that it will take is more than we have to give right now. We just don't have the energy for both IVF and adoption. We are not ready to give up on biological babies just yet. For those of you who have done IVF or adoption, you know they take a 100% of your heart and soul. We would like to focus on IVF right now. I am not getting any younger over here. In no way shape or form have we closed the door to adoption. I just want a flipping baby in MY UTERUS JUST ONCE!!!! Just one little chubby Jen and Jason. That's all I ask.

I am considering using a new RE in Utah. Two of my dear friends have used Sandy Reproductive Center and both have nothing but great things to say about the clinic. My husband and I will be in Utah to see my family this Christmas so I think we will visit the clinic then. Hope to try IVF #2 early 2012.

Congrats to my dearest friend Jenny !!!!! The world is blessed to have you. I love and miss ya like crazy.

New Path

My husband and I had a heart to heart about family, IVF, adoption and our desire to be parents. We have both decided we are ready to look into adoption. My husband has always said he would adopt if IVF doesn't work but he has now come to a place in his heart that he would like to work toward both. I have a much deeper respect and love for my husband after this conversation. His heart is HUGE.

We are attending an adoption orientation at the end of this month. We have signed up for the class. We will be receiving paperwork and an invitation in the mail any day now. I am beyond excited. At this point we are thinking foster to adopt is the best option for us. We are open to ages 0-3 boy or girl and we are also open to a sibling group. Hopefully orientation will help figure out the best road for us.

My heart jumps out of my chest and my eyes fill with tears whenever I think that one or more of our future children are already on this earth waiting for us!!!!!! What an amazing feeling and crushing at the same time.

We are still moving forward with IVF but I feel much better about not having all our eggs in one basket. I truly don't care how our little family is started just as long as we start.

I told my Mom about our plan a couple days ago and asked her not to say anything because I was afraid of peoples negative reaction and opinions about adoption. BUT then I thought this is OUR life and our family. I will not let others negative outlook towards how we create our family scare me and keep me from being excited.

That's all for now. I feel super great about the path we are on.

PLEASE READ!!!!!

Bringing Carson....and John Home: NEED TO MOVE FAST!: "God, we need you. We give this to you Lord. We know that you brought us to this and you can get us through this. We could very well be sub..."

This and that

First off I am SAD. Sad, sad, sad. I have been following http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/ for sometime now. This sweet couple just lost their baby. My heart is broken for them. Hop on over and send her a bit of love.

And I am SAD for my sweet friend http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/ BUT am very happy that she and her honey get to go on a much needed vacation. Have tons of fun sweetie pie.

BUT I am soooooooooo happy for this sweet little mama http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com/ TWINS!!!! Congrats!!!!!

As for me I am good. We are recovering from the heartache and disappointment of our failed cycle.We have decided to talk about our future IVF plans again in a month, give it a rest for a bit and then work it out. I can't imagine looking at a needle anytime soon (I still have a full sharps container and have no clue what the hell do to with it??????). I think we will try and find a doctor closer to our house BUT I adore Dr. Anderson so I haven't committed to that decision yet.

I feel a bit grumpy (yes Alyssa I am STILL grumpy :) ) and hope to get out of this little funk soon. I turned 35 this weekend and I was really truly thinking we would have a baby by now or at least pregnant for crying out loud. So my birthday was a little weird because I keep thinking I missed my little goal or something. So now I hope to have a child by the time I am 40!!! Five years should be long enough. HA!!! That was a joke.

I wish everyone the best of luck with their upcoming cycles.

That's all.

xoxoxo

Cancelled!!!!!!

We had to cancel this cycle. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Anderson called with today's numbers.......... 9,000!!!!!! I haven't taken follistim since Thursday morning for crying out loud. He was super sweet and felt really badly about the entire deal. He said he can't believe my estradiol went from 1,600 Tuesday and just took off like a rocket from there.

I need some major rest. I want my body back. NO MORE MEDS!! I just want to feel like JEN again, please!!

Thank goodness we are in Alaska. This place really softens the blow :)

Coasting

Still here. Still waiting. Coasting.

I had blood work yesterday and my estrodiol was at 6,000. FUCK! (sorry)

Tuesday- I don't know the number but Doc said it was perfect!! Right where it should have been.
Wednesday- My ovaries went wild
Thursday it was 5,000
Friday around 9,000 (he's guessing)
Saturday 6,000

I had a blood draw this morning and I am waiting to hear back this afternoon. Doc said he needs to see a pretty big drop in order to continue. He just let another lady coast for three days and it worked out so it could work for me too. I think my numbers are much higher than hers. Who knows.

I am beyond drained. I am soooooo tired. My stomach is HUGE. We are coasting and it SUCKS!!!!!!!

BUT Alaska is amazing so all is well :)

Estradiol is sky flipping high

Alaska is beautiful. We LOVE it here.

We haven't had Internet in our hotel until today!!

So yesterday I have my estradiol checked and it was at 5,000!!!!! Not good. I was scheduled to take my trigger shot at 8am this morning. Everything looks great other than that stupid number. It might be around 9,000 today!!! I am off Follotim and we are going to recheck my estradiol Saturday. If it doesn't go down this party is over.

That's all I've got for now ladies. We are off to explore a bit. We are both tired and over all drained. We just need to spend a little time enjoying Alaska to keep our minds off of everything.

Peace out

You could fit Louisiana into Alaska 13 times! One-fifth the size of the Lower 48, Alaska is bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined!




OK people the time has come. We are Alaska bound tomorrow morning 7:30AM!!!

Had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. Everything looks great. Medicine is working. My uterus looks "excellent".

We are going to miss our doggies sooooooooooo freaking much. I wish they could come along. They would LOVE the cool weather.

My wonderfully sweet sister-in-law Lela (and bother-in-law) gave us a very, very nice gift. I love you two so much and I'm thankful you are my family.

Love you all. I will update as soon.

Mother's Day

Face*book is not the place to be today!! I am a dummy and logged in this morning after about 2 minutes of, "There is no more important job than a mother", "Re-post this if you are a mother", "Without my kids I am nothing", blah, blah, blah. I mean I don't want the entire world to be infertile but goodness me FB is depressing today.

So Happy (trying to be a, working on it dammit) Mother's Day to all my sweet girls. If your little frozen embryos could send a card they surely would :)

And Happy Mother's Day to my cute as ever Mom.

Love you all to pieces.

Good times with Follistim

I started my meds yesterday. Lupron (0.1 ml) twice a day and Follistim (150 IU) once a day.

I woke up yesterday excited and ready to go. I decided to try and give myself the injections. I was scared shitless but I DID IT!!! Not to bad. No real pain involved UNTIL around 3pm when my head started killing me. I felt woozy and just overall crappy. I left work at 5pm and was in bed by 5:45pm. I was asleep in no time. My husband woke me up for my 7pm shot. The plan all along has been for him to give me the injections. I got everything ready so that he could just give me the shot and be done. He had the needle in his hand and I was pinching the skin on my belly. He stuck the needle in and immediately pulled it out. I was shocked and asked him in a tired confused voice what happened. He thought he stick my finger. GOOD TIMES!! So he tried again and all went well. I went right back to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling much better. We did the shots again but this time I was laying on the bed so he had a better view of my belly. Everything went smoothly. He was very careful and it didn't hurt a bit.

This entire time I have been afraid of the actual shots and haven't once thought about the side effects. I had no idea the side effects would be sooooooooooooooooo instant. I work with a girl that did IVF in November and she said she felt the effect instantly also. She helped me feel less nuts :)

So other than having a mild headache that seems to be creeping up on me again today and feeling a bit woozy, all is well.

Plan tickets are purchased (thanks Daddy D) hotel is booked, rental car is reserved, doggie baby sitter has been given his duties, luggage is out and the ball is rolling. I need to stop by a medical supply store this weekend and purchase something to keep my meds cold for our 15 hour flight.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support.

Wishing everyone the very best

Ladies (Jen, Lindsey, Tiffany..........All of you)

TONS of ladies are starting meds this week and I want to wish you all the very best.

I start my meds on the 5th. I know the feelings you are having right now and the crazy thoughts that are running through your head. Wild and crazy thoughts.

I wish you a pain free, stress free and easy going cycle. I hope you get all the love and support you deserve. I pray your bodies are strong and healthy. I pray your doctor has a sharp mind and steady hand. I hope all your dreams come true!!!!! I truly do.

I heard a great quote the other day, "99 is not 100." So simple and so true. We share empty yet full hearts. Missing just a little piece. I love you all and pray we all find what we are looking for.


On a side note: The documentary film "Wasteland" is the best of the best. It will break your heart and fill you with hope all in the same breath.

"In a shining lesson, a wise old man imparts the necessity of recycling each and every possible item, valuing everything, “because 99 is not 100.” There is always more you can do; there is always a unique individual who can do something special in this world."

The Versatile Blogger Award

The Coolest girl EVER nominated me an award!!! I wish I lived by this woman!! She is the best.
So, here's how it works:

Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.

Link back to the person who gave you it.

Tell 10 things about yourself

Award 15 recently discovered blogger's.

Contact the blogger's you have awarded to let them know they have won.


10 things about me

1- I do NOT eat animals

2- I adore dogs more than I do most people

3- I am half Mexican

4- I met my husband when we were 17 years old. Dated on and off for years. Broke up and didn't speak for 10 years. Not one word. Reconnected in April of 2008 and haven't been apart since.

5- I wish I had a million tattoo's but I know better. One is good for now.

6- I love beer (and miss it right now)

7- I love the author Billie Letts

8- Love the snow, mountains and cold weather (BUT live in Louisiana where it's flat, hot and humid)

9- I am never on time for work. Never have been, never will be. BUT I am on time for everything else.

10- I hope to one day have a tons of kids and rescued animals living all around me. I hope to be coated in animal fur and happy as hell :)



The Nominees:


http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/  (My Cycle Sista)
 
http://awomb4rent.blogspot.com/ (My soul sista)

http://fourbabies4us.blogspot.com/ (My support sista)

http://bartandpaige.blogspot.com/ (My long lost sista)

I know this is not 15 people but it's past my bedtime.

Meds, meds, meds

Holy freaking meds Batman!! My meds arrived today. My chest has been tight, tight, tight ever since. It all seems so overwhelming.

I had a pre-ultrasound and blood work this morning. Nurse Alaska faxed my orders to a clinic about an hour from my house. I showed up this morning for my 9:30am scheduled appointment. I walked in happy and ready to go. The receptionist (aka Crappy Eye Sight = CES) said to me, "Do you have your orders with you?"

Me- "My nurse faxed the orders a couple weeks ago."

CES- "We don't have them, I looked. Can you call your doctor and have them faxed?"

Me- "My doctors is in Alaska. It's 4:30am in Alaska."

CES: "Well we can't see you without orders."

Me (with a super pissed off face)- "I will try can call my nurse but I know she faxed them."

CES (sooooo sure of herself)- "I will look again and call our sister clinic but like I said I looked before you got here and we don't have them."

So I sat in the waiting area flipping out so upset and the next thing I hear is, "OH here they are. They were hiding"

Hiding!!!!!!!!!!

Thank goodness she found them but I wanted to kick her freaking head off. I smiled and said, "Oh good. Thank you"

I had no clue what the orders said. I knew I needed an ultrasound and possible blood work but I thought they would tell me what I need to do.

I had my ultrasound and everything went well. After that I was so happy about the techs report that I walked right out the door without checking out. CES came running outside and said, "We need to check you out." So I felt like a idiot turned around and went back in. As I am checking out the nurse comes up and says I think we need to do blood work on Jennifer. CES says, "I don't think so." Nurse looks and the orders and says, yep, come with me.

So that was my weird little morning. My head wasn't there and neither was CES's!!!!!!!

Dearest Jenny and Lindsey I am so excited to start a May cycle with you two. We better ALL get a BFP!!!

Beloved One

OK I know I am in the throws of IVF but I can't help but still have my daily fantasy of adopting.

I have wanted to adopt for YEARS now. I would drop everything and adopt tomorrow if life's decisions were totally 100% up to me. All decisions should never be left up to me because I would have 500 adopted kids and 1,000 resuced dogs (which sounds amazing to me and me only). So I guess it's good my husband is my little filter.

At times I truly wonder if the reason we are having such troubles making our own biological babies is because the world wants us to adopt. Who knows but my point to all of this is whenever I hear the song "Beloved One" by Ben Harper I think of how I would play this song to my adopted child every freaking day for a 100 years. (My Mother is reading this and at this point she is thinking, "Jesus Jennifer that is so sad. You are so weird) RIGHT MOM. I nailed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen to the song Mom. It's great!


"Beloved One"



We have both been here before

Knockin' upon love's door

Begging for someone to let us in

Knowing this we can agree to keep each other company

Never to go down that road again



My beloved one

My beloved one



Your eyes shine through me

You are so divine to me

Your heart has a home in mine

We won't have to say a word

With a touch all shall be heard

When I search my heart it's you I find



My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one



You were meant for me

I believe you were sent to me

From a dream straight into my arms

Hold your body close to me

You mean most to me

We will keep each other safe from harm



My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

Moving right along

Nurse Alaska called yesterday and it looks like we will need to be in Alaska by May 11th. I have a doctors appointment here in Louisiana on the morning of the 10th and then we fly out at 6pm that same day. We have a layover so our travel time will be about 15 hours!!!!!!!! Gross!!!! BUT we will be asleep for a lot of the flight so that works.

I just booked our hotel room and the sweet hotel woman gave us a discount when I told her why we are traveling to Alaska. TEARS!!!!!!!!! People are so flipping sweet sometimes.

We are sooooooooooo excited to see Alaska. It's HOT and humid here right now so it will be nice to go some place with cool dry air. AND NO BUGS. AND MOUNTAINS!!!

My meds are ordered and should be on the way soon, soon, soon. I have a pre-ultrasound a week from today. It's all moving so quickly. Now if the "two week wait" moves just as fast we will be set.

What's my part in all of this??

I go on and on and on and on and on and on about how IVF sucks, not being a mother sucks, how hard all of this is on ME. Well while trying to explain to my husband the other day what the process will be for ME he stopped me and said, "I understand what YOU need to do but what do I need to do." HA!!! Wow. I guess I skipped the part. :( I said well you will be put  in a little room with a specimen cup, a little girl on girl action and will need produce us a nice healthy sample. He said ok that's what I thought. Simple. Done. Over.

I read and research and talk to anyone and everyone that will listen about my part in this deal but I failed to think about how he doesn't seek that same knowledge because he is depending on me to tell him what he needs to do. That's what men do, right!

I am trying to remind myself more often that he plays a MAJOR roll in all of this and without mutual love and support it just wont work!!!!!!!!! And Lord knows we want this to work.

Game plan

Nurse Alaska sent me a schedule. Things are getting more and more real as the days go by.

4/14 Start BCP

4/28 Pre-ultasound and bloodwork (at IVF clinic here in Louisiana)

4/30 Last BCP

5/10 Ultasound and more blood work (Lousiana clinic)

Collection aka ALASKA sometime between 5/14 - 5/17

In all of this I will start my meds also. Not sure what day I start that bucket of fun.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!

Aunt Flo

My dear Aunt Flo showed up today!! Good girl!!

I called Nurse Alaska to let her know. Just waiting to hear back from her so that we can set a schedule. Looks like I will be on birth control for 14-21 days starting Thursday and then I will start my meds. Ahhhhhh!!

In a weird twist of fate today I met a girl from my work that did IVF last November. She works at a different office and has been at my office helping out this week. She is super easy to talk to so we starting chatting and I discovered she had just done IVF.  Instant bond!!! She has allllllll sorts of shit left over. Needles, meds, sharps container ................ you name it. She is going to gather up all her leftovers and bring them to ME!!!!!!!!!!!! How freaking great is she!!

I can't believe the time has come!!!!!! From this point on we are IN. ALL IN!!!!!!