Sunday, August 7, 2011

Spark, Spunk, Joy......... Happiness

I ripped this pic from the Internet. I love it. When I am feeling like myself this is what my brain looks like :)

It's official folks, I have lost my SPARK!!

For those who know me know I am a cheerful, colorful, sparky sometimes spazzy kind of girl. If's "it's" funky, old, vintage or weird I love it. If "it" shines, glimmers, glitters I am drawn to it. Several years ago my hair was pink and then purple (not in a cut your wrists emo kind of way but in a fun kind of way).

Well friends I have lost that girl. I have felt different the past couple months and just wrote it off as crazed hormones from the IVF medication. But that was in May. That can't still be it, can it? That medication jacked me up. I was a crazy person who's freaking hair was falling out. JOY!

My husband has said a number of times I seem like something is on my mind, I don't seem like myself. My boss asked me out of the blue a couple weeks ago if I was ok. A couple other people have said little things in passing asking if something was wrong. Today my sister in law asked me if I was ok and said something seems to be off with me. She said I am usually crazy and happy and I haven't been like that for awhile. Geeeeezzzzz people is it that noticeable?

I don't feel like myself. I feel weird but I can't put my finger on it. It's not depression. It's like my spark is gone. My cheerful little weirdness has faded. WTF?!?!?!?

I know I get caught up in my own thoughts, A LOT!! I worry, worry, worry about IVF and babies. Looks like now that others have noticed my spark is gone I need to put my big girl panties on and find some flipping joy in my day to day life.

If I was in Salt Lake I would make an appointment with my favorite funky hair stylist. I would start my come back tomorrow with short pink hair. That will have to wait until December. For now I will just try and focus on being happy, finding joy in my day to day like. I need remind myself kids or no kids my life is A-OK.

Wish me luck. I am going to need it.


Tim and Tabitha said...

Good Luck!
Hang in there, I feel for you! I know what you are going through... I have bad days, and days when I almost make it through. I no longer know who I am with out the feeling of loss, hopelessness, and failure all due to IF. This sad, angry, hurt person I see in the mirror is not the same fun, carefree, loving girl I was 5 long years ago! I'm crying for you. I pray that you find reminders, that your support group can help bring back the spunk! My nieces & nephews help me smile, my husband reminds me to have fun, and I try to be carefree for a few minutes when I can. The hardest part is to not be so hard on myself.
Good Luck! :-)

Crossing My Fingers said...

Sorry honey, I HATE when I'm not myself! I hope you find that spunk soon. Lots and hugs and baby dust being sent your way.

AJ said...

Hey, I just found your blog and I totally know what you mean. I feel like a shell of my former self before I lost my baby last year and my current and seemingly never ending struggle to get pregnant again. I try to find happiness in my everyday life, but it's tough and some days are harder than other days. Good luck getting your spark back and let me know if you have any tips.

Lakshmi Narayana said...

This post seems so related to me! Once I was a cheerful guy. Now, most of the day I am worried, heart heavy and don't like to talk to people. Even now, I feel like not writing this comment.