Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You make me jealous with your babies and two nice legs.

I can't help feeling jealous that you have children. I can't help it. I can't help that I don't understand you and you don't understand me. I do understand just because you have children doesn't mean I should also be able to have children but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it drives a wedge between our relationship. I feels awkward attending functions that belong to children. Sorry. I know, life is totally unfair. I should be grateful (and I am!!!) that I have a dear sweet husband, a wonderful place to rest my head and everyone around me is healthy and happy. I get that. But it still stings.

I feel like being an infertile is like being a marathon runner who lost a leg. You run and run seeing the finish line and BAM, legs gone. Sorry you cant finish the race. Just sit right here mourning the loss of your leg while we run and jump all around you. Look at our fabulous legs. Boy we sure love our nice legs. Hope you get a leg soon. Sure you MIGHT be able to run a marathon again one day but you need $15,000 dollars to start and there are NO guarantees we can help you but sign right here and lets see what happens. Oh your $5,000 from your prosthetic leg.........sorry not right now, you must WAIT!!!!! We know you don't have $5,000 dollars but you'll be ok, just wait. You have plenty of time. What was meant to be will be. Maybe you weren't meant to have two legs. Its all up to God. Maybe if you pray harder and sin less you can get a new leg. Whats that, between you and your husband you pay over $500 a month for insurance. Well insurance doesn't see it important for your to walk so just hang out and drive yourself nuts. Pray a little more. It worked for my sisters co-worker.

F*ck!!!! I could go on and on.

My point is I feel jealous of what I don't have (I know, I know, don't we all) and we are $5,000 dollars away from being parents (I hope to be the hated infertile that's IVF cycle worked on the first try) and I feel NO one in this world understands the complete and total urgency I feel to find away to get that money ASAP.

So close. Soooooooo sooooo close. Awwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Love, you are right no one in the world knows or feels how you specifically feel at this moment. Our moments are ours and ours alone. I would love to hug you and tell you are doing well at keeping on, if not in person I will do it via cyber world for now. Infertility is such a strange complicated place to be, just know that it is okay to feel the frustration of it all, it is good processing of emotions. I love you!!