Friends

The other day a bloggie friend sent me an email to check in on me and see how I was doing. I responded and told her what was up. She then replied with the sweetest email. I am so lucky to have such sweet bloggie friends. I love that I have a small little community of friends from around the country that can totally relate and know just the right thing to say.

This is a little piece of her email. I mean really, why am I so lucky to know this woman :)

I think they're prices are fairly reasonable and if you came to him, you could stay with us...seriously, we're like 5 minutes from his office. I'll even give you your PIO shots if you need me to! Just throwing that out there for food for thought...

Thank you "A" for the email. It warms my heart every time I think of your offer.

Spark, Spunk, Joy......... Happiness

I ripped this pic from the Internet. I love it. When I am feeling like myself this is what my brain looks like :)



It's official folks, I have lost my SPARK!!

For those who know me know I am a cheerful, colorful, sparky sometimes spazzy kind of girl. If's "it's" funky, old, vintage or weird I love it. If "it" shines, glimmers, glitters I am drawn to it. Several years ago my hair was pink and then purple (not in a cut your wrists emo kind of way but in a fun kind of way).

Well friends I have lost that girl. I have felt different the past couple months and just wrote it off as crazed hormones from the IVF medication. But that was in May. That can't still be it, can it? That medication jacked me up. I was a crazy person who's freaking hair was falling out. JOY!

My husband has said a number of times I seem like something is on my mind, I don't seem like myself. My boss asked me out of the blue a couple weeks ago if I was ok. A couple other people have said little things in passing asking if something was wrong. Today my sister in law asked me if I was ok and said something seems to be off with me. She said I am usually crazy and happy and I haven't been like that for awhile. Geeeeezzzzz people is it that noticeable?


I don't feel like myself. I feel weird but I can't put my finger on it. It's not depression. It's like my spark is gone. My cheerful little weirdness has faded. WTF?!?!?!?

I know I get caught up in my own thoughts, A LOT!! I worry, worry, worry about IVF and babies. Looks like now that others have noticed my spark is gone I need to put my big girl panties on and find some flipping joy in my day to day life.

If I was in Salt Lake I would make an appointment with my favorite funky hair stylist. I would start my come back tomorrow with short pink hair. That will have to wait until December. For now I will just try and focus on being happy, finding joy in my day to day like. I need remind myself kids or no kids my life is A-OK.

Wish me luck. I am going to need it.

IVF is addicting

Even Barbie's friend Midge can get prego in her plastic uterus. Stupid chick.

Please tell me how something so expensive and stressful can be SO addicting?!?!?!?!? It should be a crime to charge baby starved folks tons of money to have a baby.

Jason and I went to our adoption orientation and it was very eye opening to say the least. I am happy that we went because it answered a ton of questions. The amount of time, research and energy that it will take is more than we have to give right now. We just don't have the energy for both IVF and adoption. We are not ready to give up on biological babies just yet. For those of you who have done IVF or adoption, you know they take a 100% of your heart and soul. We would like to focus on IVF right now. I am not getting any younger over here. In no way shape or form have we closed the door to adoption. I just want a flipping baby in MY UTERUS JUST ONCE!!!! Just one little chubby Jen and Jason. That's all I ask.

I am considering using a new RE in Utah. Two of my dear friends have used Sandy Reproductive Center and both have nothing but great things to say about the clinic. My husband and I will be in Utah to see my family this Christmas so I think we will visit the clinic then. Hope to try IVF #2 early 2012.

Congrats to my dearest friend Jenny !!!!! The world is blessed to have you. I love and miss ya like crazy.

New Path

My husband and I had a heart to heart about family, IVF, adoption and our desire to be parents. We have both decided we are ready to look into adoption. My husband has always said he would adopt if IVF doesn't work but he has now come to a place in his heart that he would like to work toward both. I have a much deeper respect and love for my husband after this conversation. His heart is HUGE.

We are attending an adoption orientation at the end of this month. We have signed up for the class. We will be receiving paperwork and an invitation in the mail any day now. I am beyond excited. At this point we are thinking foster to adopt is the best option for us. We are open to ages 0-3 boy or girl and we are also open to a sibling group. Hopefully orientation will help figure out the best road for us.

My heart jumps out of my chest and my eyes fill with tears whenever I think that one or more of our future children are already on this earth waiting for us!!!!!! What an amazing feeling and crushing at the same time.

We are still moving forward with IVF but I feel much better about not having all our eggs in one basket. I truly don't care how our little family is started just as long as we start.

I told my Mom about our plan a couple days ago and asked her not to say anything because I was afraid of peoples negative reaction and opinions about adoption. BUT then I thought this is OUR life and our family. I will not let others negative outlook towards how we create our family scare me and keep me from being excited.

That's all for now. I feel super great about the path we are on.

PLEASE READ!!!!!

Bringing Carson....and John Home: NEED TO MOVE FAST!: "God, we need you. We give this to you Lord. We know that you brought us to this and you can get us through this. We could very well be sub..."

This and that

First off I am SAD. Sad, sad, sad. I have been following http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/ for sometime now. This sweet couple just lost their baby. My heart is broken for them. Hop on over and send her a bit of love.

And I am SAD for my sweet friend http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/ BUT am very happy that she and her honey get to go on a much needed vacation. Have tons of fun sweetie pie.

BUT I am soooooooooo happy for this sweet little mama http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com/ TWINS!!!! Congrats!!!!!

As for me I am good. We are recovering from the heartache and disappointment of our failed cycle.We have decided to talk about our future IVF plans again in a month, give it a rest for a bit and then work it out. I can't imagine looking at a needle anytime soon (I still have a full sharps container and have no clue what the hell do to with it??????). I think we will try and find a doctor closer to our house BUT I adore Dr. Anderson so I haven't committed to that decision yet.

I feel a bit grumpy (yes Alyssa I am STILL grumpy :) ) and hope to get out of this little funk soon. I turned 35 this weekend and I was really truly thinking we would have a baby by now or at least pregnant for crying out loud. So my birthday was a little weird because I keep thinking I missed my little goal or something. So now I hope to have a child by the time I am 40!!! Five years should be long enough. HA!!! That was a joke.

I wish everyone the best of luck with their upcoming cycles.

That's all.

xoxoxo

Cancelled!!!!!!

We had to cancel this cycle. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Anderson called with today's numbers.......... 9,000!!!!!! I haven't taken follistim since Thursday morning for crying out loud. He was super sweet and felt really badly about the entire deal. He said he can't believe my estradiol went from 1,600 Tuesday and just took off like a rocket from there.

I need some major rest. I want my body back. NO MORE MEDS!! I just want to feel like JEN again, please!!

Thank goodness we are in Alaska. This place really softens the blow :)

Coasting

Still here. Still waiting. Coasting.

I had blood work yesterday and my estrodiol was at 6,000. FUCK! (sorry)

Tuesday- I don't know the number but Doc said it was perfect!! Right where it should have been.
Wednesday- My ovaries went wild
Thursday it was 5,000
Friday around 9,000 (he's guessing)
Saturday 6,000

I had a blood draw this morning and I am waiting to hear back this afternoon. Doc said he needs to see a pretty big drop in order to continue. He just let another lady coast for three days and it worked out so it could work for me too. I think my numbers are much higher than hers. Who knows.

I am beyond drained. I am soooooo tired. My stomach is HUGE. We are coasting and it SUCKS!!!!!!!

BUT Alaska is amazing so all is well :)

Estradiol is sky flipping high

Alaska is beautiful. We LOVE it here.

We haven't had Internet in our hotel until today!!

So yesterday I have my estradiol checked and it was at 5,000!!!!! Not good. I was scheduled to take my trigger shot at 8am this morning. Everything looks great other than that stupid number. It might be around 9,000 today!!! I am off Follotim and we are going to recheck my estradiol Saturday. If it doesn't go down this party is over.

That's all I've got for now ladies. We are off to explore a bit. We are both tired and over all drained. We just need to spend a little time enjoying Alaska to keep our minds off of everything.

Peace out

You could fit Louisiana into Alaska 13 times! One-fifth the size of the Lower 48, Alaska is bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined!




OK people the time has come. We are Alaska bound tomorrow morning 7:30AM!!!

Had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. Everything looks great. Medicine is working. My uterus looks "excellent".

We are going to miss our doggies sooooooooooo freaking much. I wish they could come along. They would LOVE the cool weather.

My wonderfully sweet sister-in-law Lela (and bother-in-law) gave us a very, very nice gift. I love you two so much and I'm thankful you are my family.

Love you all. I will update as soon.

Mother's Day

Face*book is not the place to be today!! I am a dummy and logged in this morning after about 2 minutes of, "There is no more important job than a mother", "Re-post this if you are a mother", "Without my kids I am nothing", blah, blah, blah. I mean I don't want the entire world to be infertile but goodness me FB is depressing today.

So Happy (trying to be a, working on it dammit) Mother's Day to all my sweet girls. If your little frozen embryos could send a card they surely would :)

And Happy Mother's Day to my cute as ever Mom.

Love you all to pieces.

Good times with Follistim

I started my meds yesterday. Lupron (0.1 ml) twice a day and Follistim (150 IU) once a day.

I woke up yesterday excited and ready to go. I decided to try and give myself the injections. I was scared shitless but I DID IT!!! Not to bad. No real pain involved UNTIL around 3pm when my head started killing me. I felt woozy and just overall crappy. I left work at 5pm and was in bed by 5:45pm. I was asleep in no time. My husband woke me up for my 7pm shot. The plan all along has been for him to give me the injections. I got everything ready so that he could just give me the shot and be done. He had the needle in his hand and I was pinching the skin on my belly. He stuck the needle in and immediately pulled it out. I was shocked and asked him in a tired confused voice what happened. He thought he stick my finger. GOOD TIMES!! So he tried again and all went well. I went right back to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling much better. We did the shots again but this time I was laying on the bed so he had a better view of my belly. Everything went smoothly. He was very careful and it didn't hurt a bit.

This entire time I have been afraid of the actual shots and haven't once thought about the side effects. I had no idea the side effects would be sooooooooooooooooo instant. I work with a girl that did IVF in November and she said she felt the effect instantly also. She helped me feel less nuts :)

So other than having a mild headache that seems to be creeping up on me again today and feeling a bit woozy, all is well.

Plan tickets are purchased (thanks Daddy D) hotel is booked, rental car is reserved, doggie baby sitter has been given his duties, luggage is out and the ball is rolling. I need to stop by a medical supply store this weekend and purchase something to keep my meds cold for our 15 hour flight.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support.

Wishing everyone the very best

Ladies (Jen, Lindsey, Tiffany..........All of you)

TONS of ladies are starting meds this week and I want to wish you all the very best.

I start my meds on the 5th. I know the feelings you are having right now and the crazy thoughts that are running through your head. Wild and crazy thoughts.

I wish you a pain free, stress free and easy going cycle. I hope you get all the love and support you deserve. I pray your bodies are strong and healthy. I pray your doctor has a sharp mind and steady hand. I hope all your dreams come true!!!!! I truly do.

I heard a great quote the other day, "99 is not 100." So simple and so true. We share empty yet full hearts. Missing just a little piece. I love you all and pray we all find what we are looking for.


On a side note: The documentary film "Wasteland" is the best of the best. It will break your heart and fill you with hope all in the same breath.

"In a shining lesson, a wise old man imparts the necessity of recycling each and every possible item, valuing everything, “because 99 is not 100.” There is always more you can do; there is always a unique individual who can do something special in this world."

The Versatile Blogger Award

The Coolest girl EVER nominated me an award!!! I wish I lived by this woman!! She is the best.
So, here's how it works:

Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.

Link back to the person who gave you it.

Tell 10 things about yourself

Award 15 recently discovered blogger's.

Contact the blogger's you have awarded to let them know they have won.


10 things about me

1- I do NOT eat animals

2- I adore dogs more than I do most people

3- I am half Mexican

4- I met my husband when we were 17 years old. Dated on and off for years. Broke up and didn't speak for 10 years. Not one word. Reconnected in April of 2008 and haven't been apart since.

5- I wish I had a million tattoo's but I know better. One is good for now.

6- I love beer (and miss it right now)

7- I love the author Billie Letts

8- Love the snow, mountains and cold weather (BUT live in Louisiana where it's flat, hot and humid)

9- I am never on time for work. Never have been, never will be. BUT I am on time for everything else.

10- I hope to one day have a tons of kids and rescued animals living all around me. I hope to be coated in animal fur and happy as hell :)



The Nominees:


http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/  (My Cycle Sista)
 
http://awomb4rent.blogspot.com/ (My soul sista)

http://fourbabies4us.blogspot.com/ (My support sista)

http://bartandpaige.blogspot.com/ (My long lost sista)

I know this is not 15 people but it's past my bedtime.

Meds, meds, meds

Holy freaking meds Batman!! My meds arrived today. My chest has been tight, tight, tight ever since. It all seems so overwhelming.

I had a pre-ultrasound and blood work this morning. Nurse Alaska faxed my orders to a clinic about an hour from my house. I showed up this morning for my 9:30am scheduled appointment. I walked in happy and ready to go. The receptionist (aka Crappy Eye Sight = CES) said to me, "Do you have your orders with you?"

Me- "My nurse faxed the orders a couple weeks ago."

CES- "We don't have them, I looked. Can you call your doctor and have them faxed?"

Me- "My doctors is in Alaska. It's 4:30am in Alaska."

CES: "Well we can't see you without orders."

Me (with a super pissed off face)- "I will try can call my nurse but I know she faxed them."

CES (sooooo sure of herself)- "I will look again and call our sister clinic but like I said I looked before you got here and we don't have them."

So I sat in the waiting area flipping out so upset and the next thing I hear is, "OH here they are. They were hiding"

Hiding!!!!!!!!!!

Thank goodness she found them but I wanted to kick her freaking head off. I smiled and said, "Oh good. Thank you"

I had no clue what the orders said. I knew I needed an ultrasound and possible blood work but I thought they would tell me what I need to do.

I had my ultrasound and everything went well. After that I was so happy about the techs report that I walked right out the door without checking out. CES came running outside and said, "We need to check you out." So I felt like a idiot turned around and went back in. As I am checking out the nurse comes up and says I think we need to do blood work on Jennifer. CES says, "I don't think so." Nurse looks and the orders and says, yep, come with me.

So that was my weird little morning. My head wasn't there and neither was CES's!!!!!!!

Dearest Jenny and Lindsey I am so excited to start a May cycle with you two. We better ALL get a BFP!!!

Beloved One

OK I know I am in the throws of IVF but I can't help but still have my daily fantasy of adopting.

I have wanted to adopt for YEARS now. I would drop everything and adopt tomorrow if life's decisions were totally 100% up to me. All decisions should never be left up to me because I would have 500 adopted kids and 1,000 resuced dogs (which sounds amazing to me and me only). So I guess it's good my husband is my little filter.

At times I truly wonder if the reason we are having such troubles making our own biological babies is because the world wants us to adopt. Who knows but my point to all of this is whenever I hear the song "Beloved One" by Ben Harper I think of how I would play this song to my adopted child every freaking day for a 100 years. (My Mother is reading this and at this point she is thinking, "Jesus Jennifer that is so sad. You are so weird) RIGHT MOM. I nailed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen to the song Mom. It's great!


"Beloved One"



We have both been here before

Knockin' upon love's door

Begging for someone to let us in

Knowing this we can agree to keep each other company

Never to go down that road again



My beloved one

My beloved one



Your eyes shine through me

You are so divine to me

Your heart has a home in mine

We won't have to say a word

With a touch all shall be heard

When I search my heart it's you I find



My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one



You were meant for me

I believe you were sent to me

From a dream straight into my arms

Hold your body close to me

You mean most to me

We will keep each other safe from harm



My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

Moving right along

Nurse Alaska called yesterday and it looks like we will need to be in Alaska by May 11th. I have a doctors appointment here in Louisiana on the morning of the 10th and then we fly out at 6pm that same day. We have a layover so our travel time will be about 15 hours!!!!!!!! Gross!!!! BUT we will be asleep for a lot of the flight so that works.

I just booked our hotel room and the sweet hotel woman gave us a discount when I told her why we are traveling to Alaska. TEARS!!!!!!!!! People are so flipping sweet sometimes.

We are sooooooooooo excited to see Alaska. It's HOT and humid here right now so it will be nice to go some place with cool dry air. AND NO BUGS. AND MOUNTAINS!!!

My meds are ordered and should be on the way soon, soon, soon. I have a pre-ultrasound a week from today. It's all moving so quickly. Now if the "two week wait" moves just as fast we will be set.

What's my part in all of this??

I go on and on and on and on and on and on about how IVF sucks, not being a mother sucks, how hard all of this is on ME. Well while trying to explain to my husband the other day what the process will be for ME he stopped me and said, "I understand what YOU need to do but what do I need to do." HA!!! Wow. I guess I skipped the part. :( I said well you will be put  in a little room with a specimen cup, a little girl on girl action and will need produce us a nice healthy sample. He said ok that's what I thought. Simple. Done. Over.

I read and research and talk to anyone and everyone that will listen about my part in this deal but I failed to think about how he doesn't seek that same knowledge because he is depending on me to tell him what he needs to do. That's what men do, right!

I am trying to remind myself more often that he plays a MAJOR roll in all of this and without mutual love and support it just wont work!!!!!!!!! And Lord knows we want this to work.

Game plan

Nurse Alaska sent me a schedule. Things are getting more and more real as the days go by.

4/14 Start BCP

4/28 Pre-ultasound and bloodwork (at IVF clinic here in Louisiana)

4/30 Last BCP

5/10 Ultasound and more blood work (Lousiana clinic)

Collection aka ALASKA sometime between 5/14 - 5/17

In all of this I will start my meds also. Not sure what day I start that bucket of fun.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!

Aunt Flo

My dear Aunt Flo showed up today!! Good girl!!

I called Nurse Alaska to let her know. Just waiting to hear back from her so that we can set a schedule. Looks like I will be on birth control for 14-21 days starting Thursday and then I will start my meds. Ahhhhhh!!

In a weird twist of fate today I met a girl from my work that did IVF last November. She works at a different office and has been at my office helping out this week. She is super easy to talk to so we starting chatting and I discovered she had just done IVF.  Instant bond!!! She has allllllll sorts of shit left over. Needles, meds, sharps container ................ you name it. She is going to gather up all her leftovers and bring them to ME!!!!!!!!!!!! How freaking great is she!!

I can't believe the time has come!!!!!! From this point on we are IN. ALL IN!!!!!!

Nurse Alaska called

Nurse Alaska called yesterday and really cleared my head. She was super mellow and very matter of fact just like Dr. Anderson. She called me from her home and had tons of dogs barking in the back ground. My kind of girl.


Aunt flow should show up in about 12 days. That's when we can plan everything out. I am thinking we will be in Alaska sometime mid-May.

For now I am just trying to take good care of my body, cut down to one cup of coffee a day and exercise a bit. Hope to be off coffee completely in a couple weeks :( Coffee is my ONLY vice so I hate giving it up.

I am really excited for this adventure. I am ready for all the stress and WAITING that comes along with IVF. My past head doc told me to picture myself pregnant. Picture the embryo implanting. Picture each step working. Think as if it is going to happen. Ahhhhh It’s hard to do and not be afraid of getting your hopes up.

I turn 35 May 21st so time is a ticking. I totally thought I would have been a mother long before 35!!!

Oh the joys of jacked up fallopian tubes.

So that all I know for now. I will keep you posted.

A tiny little update

(This pic is so weird)

OK M.B. this post is for you my dear :)

Nurse Alaska mailed my protocol and it arrived Saturday. I don't really understand what it all means! I left a message for Nurse Alaska telling her I received the paper work and was ready to go through it with her. She text me back and let me know she would be calling tomorrow around 3pm my time.

At this point it looks like we should be starting this process in about 14 days. Tomorrow I will have an exact timeline. We should be in Alaska sometime mid May. I think!!

I know its not much of an update but I truly won't know details until tomorrow.

I promise to update once Nurse Alaska sets me straight.

Back on the Doctor Anderson train

Since the day I called Dr. Anderson's clinic in Alaska I have had a really good feeling about the place. I have called TONS of clinics over the past year or so and Dr. Anderson's clinic has had the nicest staff hands down. I was 99% positive I wanted to fly 4,500 miles so that Dr. Anderson could be my doctor without even speaking to him. I was sure because my wonderful friend Jen's Aunt Michelle (Aunt Michelle is the QUEEN of IVF) said he was awesome. And then I did a bit of research of my own and the couple ladies I found that had used Dr. Anderson loved him. Once I called the clinic and spoke with IVF coordinator I was sold. She was beyond helpful.

I was sold until last week when I became discouraged by how hard it was to get in contact with the doctor. He would call late and I would always miss his calls. So last week I started calling different clinics looking for a new doctor. I also called the clinic I have a relationship here. BLAH. I was so unhappy with everyone I called. I just kept thinking I know Dr. Anderson is my doctor.

Well today he called and I was able to talk to him. I asked if he thought it was nuts that we would be traveling sooooooooo far to use him. He said not a bit. He has had patients from all over the country. He is a very nice man.

Tomorrow I will contact his nurse and get this party started.

Thank you to all the wonderful gals that are using or have used Dr. Anderson for the wonderful information and advice. Alaska has the nicest freaking people :)

Game on ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to square one

OK so I WAS super excited about using Doctor Anderson in Alaska. BUT I think I have had a change of heart.

I called the Alaska clinic the first week of January. The IVF coordinator was so super nice. She asked me to send in all of my medical records, fill out a bunch of paperwork and she would have the doctor review my records and call me for a phone consultation. So I rushed and rushed getting everything together.

I waited a couple weeks with no word. I called the office and she said the doctor is super busy and there was one other phone consultation ahead of me. No problem. A couple more weeks went by and still no word. I called once again and she said I was next. Awesome.

The phone call finally came last Wednesday at 10:45 PM!!!!!! OK wow. I was sound asleep. I saw the missed call and message when I woke up the next morning. Dr. Anderson left a very sweet message apologizing for calling so late and asked me to call back.

I called back Friday and he was out of the office. So the phone tag began. He returned my call Monday at 10:45 PM. Once again I was asleep. He also called last night around 9:45 PM. Bless his heart :)

At that point I am thinking the three hour time difference may really be a problem. The 4,500 miles may be a little too far. Plus the busy/expensive season in Alaska starts in May. I was hoping to get this party started before May. At this rate that will never happen. I hear wonderful things about Dr. Anderson and I am sure he is a wonderful doctor but I don't think he is the one for us.

Today I am calling the overpriced fancy fertility clinic by my house. The doctors at the clinic here are very nice. The coordinator is not so nice but whatever, its close.

Who knows, I may change my mind again in a week but for now I am moving on.

I wish all my sweet bloggie friends who are using Dr. Alaska the best of luck. I am jealous.

Tagged!!

Tagged!



My sweetie pie bloggy friend from http://crossingmyfingersbutnotmylegs.blogspot.com/ tagged me =).


Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.


1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
Ohhhhh my doggies are my babies. I adore them with all of my heart and soul!!


2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
For little baby Tripp to live pain free. Truly. I think about this sweet baby day and night!!!


3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Save all the helpless children and animals in the world.


4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Umm I guess a little trashy tv. Anything on Bravo seems to do the trick.


5. What is your bedtime routine, with your kids?
No kids.



6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?
Jason and I met 17+ years ago!! We were 17 when we met. His brother and my cousin were dating at the time and they thought we should meet. A lot has happened in the past 17 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


7. What kind of books do you read?
Love me some Billie Letts



8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Fat and hopefully happy as a pig in shit :)


9. What’s your fear?
That I wont be a mother.


10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
Never


11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
COFFEE (the dogs have a dog door so I am not being selfish here)


12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
Ahhhhh he is so dang cute (corny I know) but ummmm nothing really.


13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I have the most common name in the freaking world. It's fine. It seems to work for my uncommon ass.


14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?
Come on children SUN ALL THE WAY!!



15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Candy



16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Connecting with others going through IF and helping each other -agree with the others



17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
Sweetttttttttttttttt


18. What items are in your purse right now?
I am such a grandma. I have anything and everything you could ever need. Its like Boy Scout shit.



19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? 
Hands down Mountains.


20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?
Bravo all the way baby. I could watch that trash 24/7


Four people I tagged:

http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/


http://fourbabies4us.blogspot.com/


http://www.awomb4rent.blogspot.com/


http://bartandpaige.blogspot.com/

Happy Love Day to all my LOVELY Ladies.

Thank you for the blog awards!!!

Ladies thank you soooooo much for the blog awards. I am so sorry I am such a slacker and have yet to follow the rules of receiving such a sweet award!!! I love all my bloggie ladies and promise to follow up with soon, soon, soon. Thanks for being so freaking awesome everyone.

Spreading the word about Anton!!!!!!!!

Click on link below

http://jenlovesjason.blogspot.com/2011/02/spreading-word-about-anton.html

Peaceful dream

Last night I had a dream that was so real. I dreamt I had a baby girl. Not a new born but a little one that was old enough to sit up in a high chair. She had the most amazing brown eyes and was super mellow. She was sitting in her high chair and I was feeding her carrot baby food. I was really worried I wasn't feeding her the correct amount. I kept thinking I need to call my friend Jen and Jen will know how much I need to feed her.

This is not he first time I have had a dream about having a child. The crazy thing is, is every time I have a dream like this its the most peaceful dream. The lighting in my dream is perfect, the feeling I have is complete and total AWE. They are so real. And another weird thing is I never dream of a new born. It's always of a baby who is a bit older. But it's always so peaceful. It's nice.

I am sure I had the dream last night because Jason dropped a few baby names yesterday, my Mom and I text a couple baby names back and forth and I googled places to stay and see in Alaska (where the IVF doctor is located) for HOURS and HOURS yesterday.

Happy Monday Everyone. I hope you have a great week.

Still here

Still here, still wondering, still doubting, still nervous, still excited, still naive, still scared shitless, still ready to get this show on the road.

Scared I will let my husband down. Scared he wont be a father because of me. (This is a major fight I have with myself daily)

Fearful and doubt are the name of this interfiles game.

BUT there is a naivety and hope that runs DEEP in me. Those two things are stronger than any doubt I may have so I keep on truckin'.

As much as I hate the situation we are in I wouldn't change it for the world because it has made me see amazing kindness in others and their desire for us to have children is as strong as ours.

There is a sweet girls blog I read and recently when she wrote she got a BFN from her first IVF attempt I let out a huge gasp and covered my face in complete disbelief. My heart was broken for her. I wanted to reach out and hug her. I wanted to be there for her and cry with her. I felt every bit of her broken heart. And while I hate that I have this connection with other I also feel comfort that none of us are alone in our struggles.

My minds eye paints such an awesome picture of our future children. All will be well in the end. I will keep on truckin'.

Thank you all for you love and support. Your kindness is what keeps me going!!!!!!!!!

(M.B. this post is for you :) )

The perfect gift!!

My husband bought me the most wonderful Christmas gift. He ordered it forever ago, it's was stuck in some post office hub for 15 days!!!!!!!! Whatever, it's ok because it arrived today and its so freaking tender I want to eat it. I found this necklace over a year ago and asked for it for Christmas. I am so excited!!!!!!!!

The quote is BEAUTIFUL.

"TO YOU MY CHILD, MY BODY IS OPEN, BY EARTH, FIRE, WIND & SEA INTO MY ARMS I PRAY YOU SHALL BE."

http://www.etsy.com/transaction/39955887

Everyone of my lovely baby challenged ladies should check it out. Plus the lady who makes the jewelry is the sweetest person I have ever worked with, EVER.

Sharing is caring

Just to be clear about the $5,000 Alaska deal. This does NOT included ALL the blood work, ultrasounds, semen analysis, etc that will need to be done prior to seeing the doctor. Insurance will NOT cover any of these tests!!!! Also $5,000 does NOT include travel expenses. While this may turn out to be a great deal for us, its still going to be very expensive.

Also I am sharing the pricing in hopes to help anyone else out there searching and searching and searching for the right IVF doctor at the right price. I have searched the web high and low regarding infertility and have found some really great info from people who willing to sharing very personal information. It's not always fun to share your financial situation or the fact that your body is "jacked up" BUT if by sharing my personal struggles I helps others than I will share, share, share. I can't tell you how many stories I have read regarding couples throwing in the towel because they just don't have the money. It's heartbreaking. So if we all share our personal struggles and pass on important info collected along the way we can hopefully help one another with this lovely little "thing" called INFERTILITY. If I was left to travel down the "babyless" road without other ladies sharing their stories and giving me HOPE I would have given up by now.

I wish everyone the very best. I hate that I have to be apart of the "can't make a baby without a perti dish club"  but it truly is the most lovely bunch of ladies I have ever come across.

Hoping to make babies in Alaska

OK so I think we found our IVF doctor. I am 95% positive we are using Doctor John Nels Anderson in Soldontna ALASKA!!! With meds this man charges under $5,000!!!!!!! That's right!!! $5,000!!!! I know, I know it seems to good to be true but its not. He is the real deal. He's is not the right man for every one's situation but in  my case he hopefully will be. So it looks like we may be traveling 4,500 miles to make babies in Alaska. Tons more to come on Dr. Anderson but I will wait until I receive all my paperwork before I go on and on and on. (Thanks for the info Anutie M.!!!!!!!)

A sweet new little friend of mine told me about a couple other great clinic offering good pricing (one in New York and one in New Jersey). I have learned I do NOT need to do IVF in Louisiana. Many woman travel for treatment. That makes me very happy because Louisiana clinics are so expensive.

http://cnyfertility.com/

http://www.ccivf.com/

Side note: I KNOW IVF and infertility treatments are not ALL about the money BUT if money can be saved then I say do it.