Friday, January 14, 2011
Still here, still wondering, still doubting, still nervous, still excited, still naive, still scared shitless, still ready to get this show on the road.
Scared I will let my husband down. Scared he wont be a father because of me. (This is a major fight I have with myself daily)
Fearful and doubt are the name of this interfiles game.
BUT there is a naivety and hope that runs DEEP in me. Those two things are stronger than any doubt I may have so I keep on truckin'.
As much as I hate the situation we are in I wouldn't change it for the world because it has made me see amazing kindness in others and their desire for us to have children is as strong as ours.
There is a sweet girls blog I read and recently when she wrote she got a BFN from her first IVF attempt I let out a huge gasp and covered my face in complete disbelief. My heart was broken for her. I wanted to reach out and hug her. I wanted to be there for her and cry with her. I felt every bit of her broken heart. And while I hate that I have this connection with other I also feel comfort that none of us are alone in our struggles.
My minds eye paints such an awesome picture of our future children. All will be well in the end. I will keep on truckin'.
Thank you all for you love and support. Your kindness is what keeps me going!!!!!!!!!
(M.B. this post is for you :) )