Thursday, July 29, 2010
Dear people in my life,
I am NOT depressed. While what is happening and has happened with my fertility is beyond frustrating I am still a happy, health person. I love my husband with all my heart. He is a great support system for me. He is super funny and as sweet as sweet can be. He cooks, he cleans, he treats our doggies like gold and he's easy on the eyes!! I am not ashamed of my feelings. I KNOW I am not the only infertile girl with these strange thoughts and feelings. I read TONS of fertility blogs and its a little community of woman who feel just like me. I would never EVER let anything in my life take over in a way that would destroy me. I am feeling all of these emotions at this point in my life because I am in limbo. I want babies, don't know if I can have them. I want to start the IVF process but we are short the funds. So the things you read and the emotions I have are complete and total frustration. LIMBO!!! Not depression. I would never let problems in my life take over. I would never lay down and die. I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am quick tempered. I need to get shit out. Everyone who know me should know at least this about me. Oh and I am not desperate. I want something and don't know how the fuck to get it. Its frustration not desperation. This is not the end of the road for us. Many blogs I read say blogging is like journaling. It's a way to write down all the sad, crazy thoughts that clouds your head. Don't read more into the shit I write than need be. If I need help or feel depressed Jason will be the first to call and let you ALL know. If you truly question my sanity call Jason. He may tell you I bitch a lot about stupid stuff but over all seem to be handling life just fine. Thanks for caring. I don't mean to cause alarm. This is a process so get on my crazy train and enjoy the ride!!!!! Got it??? Good.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Please tell me you have the same hatred for the new i *phone* commercial as I do. It's the one titled "Big News". Barf!!!!! Its a cute little skinny girl telling her honey he is going to be a FATHER!! Gag!! I always change it when it comes on and last night I couldn't get to the remote in time. My husband even hates the commercial which is total and complete confirmation that it's a heartless, lame commercial!!!!!! I am sure some sperm filled 23 year old freshly graduated advertising "genius" created that commercial. Definitely wasn't a woman!!!!!!! And if it was a woman she should have her ovaries gouged out with a spoon.
Just in case you want to torture yourself here's the link. Beware!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I can't help feeling jealous that you have children. I can't help it. I can't help that I don't understand you and you don't understand me. I do understand just because you have children doesn't mean I should also be able to have children but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it drives a wedge between our relationship. I feels awkward attending functions that belong to children. Sorry. I know, life is totally unfair. I should be grateful (and I am!!!) that I have a dear sweet husband, a wonderful place to rest my head and everyone around me is healthy and happy. I get that. But it still stings.
I feel like being an infertile is like being a marathon runner who lost a leg. You run and run seeing the finish line and BAM, legs gone. Sorry you cant finish the race. Just sit right here mourning the loss of your leg while we run and jump all around you. Look at our fabulous legs. Boy we sure love our nice legs. Hope you get a leg soon. Sure you MIGHT be able to run a marathon again one day but you need $15,000 dollars to start and there are NO guarantees we can help you but sign right here and lets see what happens. Oh your $5,000 from your prosthetic leg.........sorry not right now, you must WAIT!!!!! We know you don't have $5,000 dollars but you'll be ok, just wait. You have plenty of time. What was meant to be will be. Maybe you weren't meant to have two legs. Its all up to God. Maybe if you pray harder and sin less you can get a new leg. Whats that, between you and your husband you pay over $500 a month for insurance. Well insurance doesn't see it important for your to walk so just hang out and drive yourself nuts. Pray a little more. It worked for my sisters co-worker.
F*ck!!!! I could go on and on.
My point is I feel jealous of what I don't have (I know, I know, don't we all) and we are $5,000 dollars away from being parents (I hope to be the hated infertile that's IVF cycle worked on the first try) and I feel NO one in this world understands the complete and total urgency I feel to find away to get that money ASAP.
So close. Soooooooo sooooo close. Awwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, July 26, 2010
A friend and I were talking about my previous post, the lady with the dual uteruses. Well one thing led to another and she started singing this song. Thanks for the laughs K.A.
My Baby Daddy - B-Rock and the Bizz
My Baby Daddy - B-Rock and the Bizz
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The story below is from CNN.
A woman who has been pregnant for more than 20 weeks is due to give birth to two babies. But they're not twins, because they’re growing inside separate uteruses and one is four days older.
Angie Cromar, a Murray, Utah, woman, was born with two uteruses, according to CNN affiliate KSL. The condition is known as uterus didelphys.
CNN.com spoke with Dr. Peter Greenspan, an associate chairman in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Medicine, about the condition. He is not involved with Cromar's care.
Usually women aren’t even aware they have double uteruses, he said.
This condition occurs during fetal development, when the two small tubes that would normally fuse together to create the uterus fail to join. This creates two separate uteruses.
Greenspan said he has seen several pregnancies in women with this condition and most of them conceive in one of the organs.
“I’ve a patient who had a baby on her right uterus, then come back pregnant years later in the left side and have a baby out of that side. It’s kind of interesting,” he said.
While it's rare to conceive in both at the same time, it has happened, he said. Doctors usually don’t remove an extra uterus unless it creates complications such as repeated miscarriages.
“The issue is preterm labor, because it is a smaller cavity. It’s half the uterus,” said Greenspan. “There are premature contractions. The other issue is they have trouble and can’t remain pregnant when they get to a certain point because the uterus is too small or too tight.”
Cromar, a labor and delivery nurse told KSL that she knew that risk of miscarriage or premature birth is slightly higher in double uterine pregnancies.
"I'm a little nervous, just because I know what can happen, but I'm really excited," she said.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
OK so things are getting closer. I spoke with the IVF coordinator at my clinic and it looks like mid September (when aunt flow shows up) is when we will start the process. We still NEED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and I have NO clue how we are going to come up with the cash but.................. But what, I really don't know. Sure we could get a loan, put it on a credit card and so on but that doesn't seem right to me/us. I need to get a second job or some shit. Now the search for CHEAP meds. If anyone has any ideas how we can earn cash and FAST I am all ears :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Monday, July 12, 2010
I have been thinking lately and I am scared to EVEN try IVF. I know, I need to stay positive but I keep thinking, what if it doesn't work????? I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the one that spent $15,000 and got NOTHING but a kick in the ass. After soooooooooooo many failed pregnancies how on earth could the next be positive????????? I am scared, scared, scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K? K.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
K.A. this is for you. Thanks for listening.
I think about babies every moment of everyday. I look at my husband and my heart breaks to think I may be the cause of his fatherless future. But I need to remain positive. I need to believe in science and my body. I sometimes think I would love to adopt a sibling group and a ton of animals. Then I think, well what if the universe really wants me to adopt and that’s why I can’t have babies. This is my own private little daydream, not my husbands. But really, thoughts like those help me feel not so desperate about our situation. Thinking outside the box makes me feel like we WILL be a parents one way or another. To be honest I have searched http://www.adoptuskids.org/ more than once. And let me tell you what THAT WEBSITE IS HEART WRENCHING.
Months and months ago I noticed an all boy/male sibling group, needing a forever family in Louisiana. Three little guys, Randy (12), John (10) and Jimmy (9). They, of course, want to be adopted together, AS A FAMILY, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE, A FUCKING FAMILY!!!! They want to live in the country (US TOO) and Jimmy loves bananas (ME TOO and so does Gizmo). Seems like the perfect match. Sign me up!!!!! I often daydream about adopting these little guys and living in the country. I check the website from time to time to see if they have been adopted, NOPE!!! Ugh. And then there is Jason (11). His brother Micah has been adopted and Jason is still waiting for a family. WHAT THE FUCK people?? These poor babies need a family ASAP. So you see, is me not being able to have babies the universes way of telling me/us……. ADOPT. Well Mr. Universe these are just my daydreams. My husband DOES NOT search the internet looking for babies that need a mama. No, that’s just my crazy ass. But really Universe give us at least one shot at having a baby. I would like at least ONE HEALTHY baby!!!!! From there we can talk adopting babies and animals and saving the world. I truly hope with all my heart and soul that Randy, John, Jimmy and Jason find amazing families that treat them like GOLD. I hope life stops throwing grownup problems at them and that they are able to live a beautiful life in the country, eating bananas.