This girl is having a BOY!!!!!!!!!

It's a BOY!! Yay yay yay! We are having a boy! So excited to have a sweet little boy.

We had an ultrasound today but he was moving around like a wild man so we couldn't get a clear picture. It was really cute. He was kicking his legs and moving his hands in front of his face. I loved seeing him move.

We have another ultrasound on the 31st so I hope to get some clear pictures.

Go team blue!!!!!

IT WORKED!!!!!!

IVF WORKED!!

We have one sweet little baby growing safe and sound in my belly. YAY! We transferred two embryos and one stayed put. We have three frozen embryos if we decided to have another baby in the future.I Love science!

This Sunday I will be 13 weeks. 1st trimester down. Our little ones due date is December 29th. What an awesome Christmas gift.

All is well and going as it should. We find out the gender July 16th. SO EXCITING!!! I will be truly happy with a boy or girl and so will Jason but he's secretly hoping for a little boy.

We have known I was pregnant since April 18th but wanted to lay low and make sure we cleared the 1st trimester before I spilled the beans to everyone. I've had many ultrasounds and I got to hear the heartbeat about two weeks ago. Everything looks great.

I am feeling very pregnant as I know I should. I have been pretty sick but I'll take it. My belly is growing and my body is changing. I just can't wrap my brain around woman that say they didn't know they were pregnant.Weird.

It's so hard to believe we are having a baby. We worked so so soooooooooooo hard to get here. I would not be pregnant today without the help of my Mom and my sister in law Maria and of course all our friends and family who have offered tons love and financial support.

Hopefully now that I've reached the second trimester I will have more energy and start to feel a little better so that I can keep up on my blog. Jenny P. I hope this will hold you over for a bit lol. Love ya!

Best of luck to Michelle and Cruz. I hope you get your baby girl. My fingers are crossed so freaking hard for M and K. I love you guys. And last but not least my dearest Jenny H. who is going to carry a baby for a loving family next month. You are truly a saint!!! I hope all you ladies will be holding babies soon and loving life.

Game Plan

OK so we have a game plan. I saw Dr Lu yesterday. He is super positive, super smart and makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. In about a week and a half we start the process. Thank you everyone that has donated and continues to donate. THANK YOU!!

A lot can happen in 10 months

Last May I sat in front of my RE Dr. Lu trying to figure out what to do. I just wanted him to tell me what I needed to do, I was willing to do whatever he thought best. What I did not know while I was seeking his advice is, I was pregnant.

Weeks later I would discover I was pregnant in my remaining fallopian tube. After weeks and weeks of blood work, a gut wrenching ultrasound and two dose of methotrexate the thought of following through with Dr. Lu's plan was just too much to think about. We decided we would pick up the pieces and try again in 2013.

October 2012 life was turned upside down and inside out. Out of the blue the word adoption became a hopeful dreamy word in our world. We were going to be parents. We were finally going use the baby girl name Jason had fallen in love with four years prior. It all made sense I thought. Years and years of failed pregnancies had led us to this moment. We were meant to be Jaya's parents.

December 2012 came the worst blow yet. I felt like I was dropped from a 100 story building. My husband falling with me. Looking at each other falling slowly. It's like we were pushed without warning. Complete and utter grief stuck over us. Grief of not being parents. Not again. Why? I can't explain the confusion we felt. It was like a cruel joke. We look back now and feel so foolish. 20/20, right.

During the months of believing we would be parents my mom and my sister in law Maria kept a close eye on us. When the adoption unraveled Maria became more determined than ever to help us become parents. I was broken. All I could do was tell Maria what I wanted to do, which was IVF but told her I didn't have to energy to work out the details. Maria took total control. She contacted Lela Jason's sister and off they went. Maria's determination and crazy optimism became contagious. The $15,000 needed did not scare Maria like it did me. She started a facebook page asking for the help of others. She has hustled haircuts, worked her ass off posting and selling items on e*bay.

So many have donated and I am thankful to them ALL but without Maria pushing me to move forward, starting the facebook page and putting our story out there we would not have the $4,200 dollars we have today (and counting). Truly amazing.

In less than a year I have been pregnant, been a parent in my heart and now almost full circle I will sit in front of Dr. Lu once again planning the beginning steps of IVF. I am excited for the future and feel so loved.

I will never be able to express how grateful I am to Maria, my Mom, Lela and all the others who have helped us on our journey to become a maw and paw.

Dr. Lu here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moving right along

The IVF fundraiser is moving along nicely. Better than expected really. My sister in law Maria has been working her little booty off pimping our story. She is raising money left and right for us. Everyone has been so generous. My sister in law KC has started a fundraiser for us too. My brother in law Chris is doing a little ebay side work for us. My friend Marianne won big bucks at the casino and give it all to us. Everyone is doing what they can. We are so lucky to have everyone's support. I am so thankful for all the lovely people in my life.

We have an appointment with our IVF doctor at the end of this month. I am so ready to get this show on the road!!!!!!!!!!

Today is bitter sweet. The baby that we thought would be ours was born today. Crazy to think just months ago it was planned she would be ours. Not sad or mad just a weird feeling inside. I am happy that they decided to keep her and raise her. I wish them all the best. 

Thank you everyone for your supportive calls, texts and sweet comments. An internet "friend" left me a comment that said, "I hope you become a mom. That's my wish". HOW SWEET IS THAT?!?! I think about that comment everyday. I hope that too my dear.

Just relax.

Infertility is very misunderstood. Two things in life make people uncomfortable, infertile woman and vegetarians. I am both!!

People say some really off the wall things to us about not being able to conceive.  Some things are mean, said with no thought or understanding and others just off the wall. Some people totally ignore the topic while others wrap us with unbelievable love and companion. Our infertility is not “unexplained”. We are not “trying to hard”, we do not need to “relax”, and adoption won’t clear my Fallopian tubes. We understand life lessons, God’s speed, faith and patients. We know about your sister’s friend’s aunt whose sister knows a lady at her children’s daycare that had 5 kids after 12 years of trying to conceive. We know it’s hard to find the right words to say. Watching other people struggle is sometimes uncomfortable. We get it. 

1 out of every 10 couples will experience infertility and struggle to conceive. The sad part is a lot of women don’t talk about it. It’s bitterly painful. How to you explain to someone who has happy healthy children the pain that you and your partner are experiencing. It’s impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced infertility the absolute and utter despair you feel when you look into your partners face for the forth time and tell them that once again the positive pregnancy test will not lead to a happy healthy baby in nine months. The guilt I feel for not being able to give my perfectly healthy fertile husband a child is pretty deep. He doesn't like it when I say that and hates that I feel that way but it’s the truth. The good thing is I know he’s a good man. He’s in this for the long hall. He’s kind. This is not "my problem", this is "our problem".

Infertility is hard on everyone. My sweet parents, whew. My mom would give her right arm for a grand baby.  She hasn't slept in the past four years. She worries, worries, worries. I’m sad that she feels sad for us. When I told my dad that we might be adopting (the adoption that failed) he was so excited. He said being a grandfather was on his “bucket list”. Hard shit to deal with but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, I think lol.

We are not bitter and we haven’t lost faith but we are exhausted. We are grateful for people like Maria, Lela, our dear Moms and many others who help us along the way with much needed mental support. 

Maria is my sister in law. My brothers wife. She's a no nonsense girl. She fights for what she wants. The girl does NOT give up. She’s like a boxer. She takes hit, after hit, after hit and still fights. She’s as tough as tough can be. She’s a good woman to have in your corner. We are lucky to have her. 

And my sweet sister in law Lela. Awwww where do I begin. She’s like the foundation of a strong, sturdy, well-built home. Without her nothing is possible. She’s is like a bullet proof vest. She’s a rock!

I am thankful for all of those who see this journey as something we share. I'm thankful for those who are willing to take over when I just don't have the energy to think about IVF for another second. The love and support I feel from people around me is amazing. It's nice in these moments of stress to have such a strong team. Thank you peps. Thank you. 

Bye bye 2012!

It’s been a very long time since my last post. I've missed my blog girls! A lot has happened in 2012.

This summer I had another tubal pregnancy. I've lost count at this point! We've become numb to loss (grumpy outlook, I know).

In October one of my husbands sisters asked to meet with him in private. She said she had something important to talk to him about. She told him her 21 year old son and his 21 year old girlfriend were pregnant and they wanted to place the baby for adoption. She asked if we would be interested. UMMM YES PLEASE!!

We met with his nephew and birth mother  They said they were not in a position to keep the baby. After meeting we were all on the same page. We had a plan, a very open adoption that everyone felt comfortable with and all seemed as good as good could be. The birth mother was positive she was making the right decision no matter how many times we tried to question her or change her mind. She knew what she wanted for her baby and no one was going to change her mind. Adoption was her idea and hers alone.

Time went by, each time we spoke we all reassured each other of our intentions. An attorney was hired, paper were signed, baby items were purchased, they asked us to pick a name for the baby, maternity clothes were purchased, a baby shower was planned and then BAM, she changed her mind. Just like that. Back to square one.

We are not upset with them. We want them to keep their baby. We want them to grow up and work it out. It’s just painful how it all went down. 21 year old's are a bit selfish and can NOT begin to imagine our disappointment. But life goes on. Lesson learned.

This just happened a couple weeks ago. Life feels normal again. The sadness has lifted. But we were so close, closer than ever before to being parents. It has left us wanting to try IVF again now more than ever. 

So here we are once again scrambling to raise $15,000 for an IVF cycle. This time around we are using ARC.  With ARC we can do one fresh cycle and one frozen cycle (only if the frozen is needed) for a little over $12,000. I have a bit of unused medication from our 2011 cycle so that should save us a few pennies on medication. Whew!! 

Without the help of my mom and two of my sister-in-laws I wouldn't be able to continue this path. Jason and I are maxed out. The stress and disappointment is more than we can even express at this point. We need all the cheerleaders we can get. So… GAME  ON!!

Next step on this roller coaster ride, MONEY!! Wish us luck.