This girl is having a BOY!!!!!!!!!

It's a BOY!! Yay yay yay! We are having a boy! So excited to have a sweet little boy.

We had an ultrasound today but he was moving around like a wild man so we couldn't get a clear picture. It was really cute. He was kicking his legs and moving his hands in front of his face. I loved seeing him move.

We have another ultrasound on the 31st so I hope to get some clear pictures.

Go team blue!!!!!

IT WORKED!!!!!!

IVF WORKED!!

We have one sweet little baby growing safe and sound in my belly. YAY! We transferred two embryos and one stayed put. We have three frozen embryos if we decided to have another baby in the future.I Love science!

This Sunday I will be 13 weeks. 1st trimester down. Our little ones due date is December 29th. What an awesome Christmas gift.

All is well and going as it should. We find out the gender July 16th. SO EXCITING!!! I will be truly happy with a boy or girl and so will Jason but he's secretly hoping for a little boy.

We have known I was pregnant since April 18th but wanted to lay low and make sure we cleared the 1st trimester before I spilled the beans to everyone. I've had many ultrasounds and I got to hear the heartbeat about two weeks ago. Everything looks great.

I am feeling very pregnant as I know I should. I have been pretty sick but I'll take it. My belly is growing and my body is changing. I just can't wrap my brain around woman that say they didn't know they were pregnant.Weird.

It's so hard to believe we are having a baby. We worked so so soooooooooooo hard to get here. I would not be pregnant today without the help of my Mom and my sister in law Maria and of course all our friends and family who have offered tons love and financial support.

Hopefully now that I've reached the second trimester I will have more energy and start to feel a little better so that I can keep up on my blog. Jenny P. I hope this will hold you over for a bit lol. Love ya!

Best of luck to Michelle and Cruz. I hope you get your baby girl. My fingers are crossed so freaking hard for M and K. I love you guys. And last but not least my dearest Jenny H. who is going to carry a baby for a loving family next month. You are truly a saint!!! I hope all you ladies will be holding babies soon and loving life.

Game Plan

OK so we have a game plan. I saw Dr Lu yesterday. He is super positive, super smart and makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. In about a week and a half we start the process. Thank you everyone that has donated and continues to donate. THANK YOU!!

A lot can happen in 10 months

Last May I sat in front of my RE Dr. Lu trying to figure out what to do. I just wanted him to tell me what I needed to do, I was willing to do whatever he thought best. What I did not know while I was seeking his advice is, I was pregnant.

Weeks later I would discover I was pregnant in my remaining fallopian tube. After weeks and weeks of blood work, a gut wrenching ultrasound and two dose of methotrexate the thought of following through with Dr. Lu's plan was just too much to think about. We decided we would pick up the pieces and try again in 2013.

October 2012 life was turned upside down and inside out. Out of the blue the word adoption became a hopeful dreamy word in our world. We were going to be parents. We were finally going use the baby girl name Jason had fallen in love with four years prior. It all made sense I thought. Years and years of failed pregnancies had led us to this moment. We were meant to be Jaya's parents.

December 2012 came the worst blow yet. I felt like I was dropped from a 100 story building. My husband falling with me. Looking at each other falling slowly. It's like we were pushed without warning. Complete and utter grief stuck over us. Grief of not being parents. Not again. Why? I can't explain the confusion we felt. It was like a cruel joke. We look back now and feel so foolish. 20/20, right.

During the months of believing we would be parents my mom and my sister in law Maria kept a close eye on us. When the adoption unraveled Maria became more determined than ever to help us become parents. I was broken. All I could do was tell Maria what I wanted to do, which was IVF but told her I didn't have to energy to work out the details. Maria took total control. She contacted Lela Jason's sister and off they went. Maria's determination and crazy optimism became contagious. The $15,000 needed did not scare Maria like it did me. She started a facebook page asking for the help of others. She has hustled haircuts, worked her ass off posting and selling items on e*bay.

So many have donated and I am thankful to them ALL but without Maria pushing me to move forward, starting the facebook page and putting our story out there we would not have the $4,200 dollars we have today (and counting). Truly amazing.

In less than a year I have been pregnant, been a parent in my heart and now almost full circle I will sit in front of Dr. Lu once again planning the beginning steps of IVF. I am excited for the future and feel so loved.

I will never be able to express how grateful I am to Maria, my Mom, Lela and all the others who have helped us on our journey to become a maw and paw.

Dr. Lu here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moving right along

The IVF fundraiser is moving along nicely. Better than expected really. My sister in law Maria has been working her little booty off pimping our story. She is raising money left and right for us. Everyone has been so generous. My sister in law KC has started a fundraiser for us too. My brother in law Chris is doing a little ebay side work for us. My friend Marianne won big bucks at the casino and give it all to us. Everyone is doing what they can. We are so lucky to have everyone's support. I am so thankful for all the lovely people in my life.

We have an appointment with our IVF doctor at the end of this month. I am so ready to get this show on the road!!!!!!!!!!

Today is bitter sweet. The baby that we thought would be ours was born today. Crazy to think just months ago it was planned she would be ours. Not sad or mad just a weird feeling inside. I am happy that they decided to keep her and raise her. I wish them all the best. 

Thank you everyone for your supportive calls, texts and sweet comments. An internet "friend" left me a comment that said, "I hope you become a mom. That's my wish". HOW SWEET IS THAT?!?! I think about that comment everyday. I hope that too my dear.

Just relax.

Infertility is very misunderstood. Two things in life make people uncomfortable, infertile woman and vegetarians. I am both!!

People say some really off the wall things to us about not being able to conceive.  Some things are mean, said with no thought or understanding and others just off the wall. Some people totally ignore the topic while others wrap us with unbelievable love and companion. Our infertility is not “unexplained”. We are not “trying to hard”, we do not need to “relax”, and adoption won’t clear my Fallopian tubes. We understand life lessons, God’s speed, faith and patients. We know about your sister’s friend’s aunt whose sister knows a lady at her children’s daycare that had 5 kids after 12 years of trying to conceive. We know it’s hard to find the right words to say. Watching other people struggle is sometimes uncomfortable. We get it. 

1 out of every 10 couples will experience infertility and struggle to conceive. The sad part is a lot of women don’t talk about it. It’s bitterly painful. How to you explain to someone who has happy healthy children the pain that you and your partner are experiencing. It’s impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced infertility the absolute and utter despair you feel when you look into your partners face for the forth time and tell them that once again the positive pregnancy test will not lead to a happy healthy baby in nine months. The guilt I feel for not being able to give my perfectly healthy fertile husband a child is pretty deep. He doesn't like it when I say that and hates that I feel that way but it’s the truth. The good thing is I know he’s a good man. He’s in this for the long hall. He’s kind. This is not "my problem", this is "our problem".

Infertility is hard on everyone. My sweet parents, whew. My mom would give her right arm for a grand baby.  She hasn't slept in the past four years. She worries, worries, worries. I’m sad that she feels sad for us. When I told my dad that we might be adopting (the adoption that failed) he was so excited. He said being a grandfather was on his “bucket list”. Hard shit to deal with but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, I think lol.

We are not bitter and we haven’t lost faith but we are exhausted. We are grateful for people like Maria, Lela, our dear Moms and many others who help us along the way with much needed mental support. 

Maria is my sister in law. My brothers wife. She's a no nonsense girl. She fights for what she wants. The girl does NOT give up. She’s like a boxer. She takes hit, after hit, after hit and still fights. She’s as tough as tough can be. She’s a good woman to have in your corner. We are lucky to have her. 

And my sweet sister in law Lela. Awwww where do I begin. She’s like the foundation of a strong, sturdy, well-built home. Without her nothing is possible. She’s is like a bullet proof vest. She’s a rock!

I am thankful for all of those who see this journey as something we share. I'm thankful for those who are willing to take over when I just don't have the energy to think about IVF for another second. The love and support I feel from people around me is amazing. It's nice in these moments of stress to have such a strong team. Thank you peps. Thank you. 

Bye bye 2012!

It’s been a very long time since my last post. I've missed my blog girls! A lot has happened in 2012.

This summer I had another tubal pregnancy. I've lost count at this point! We've become numb to loss (grumpy outlook, I know).

In October one of my husbands sisters asked to meet with him in private. She said she had something important to talk to him about. She told him her 21 year old son and his 21 year old girlfriend were pregnant and they wanted to place the baby for adoption. She asked if we would be interested. UMMM YES PLEASE!!

We met with his nephew and birth mother  They said they were not in a position to keep the baby. After meeting we were all on the same page. We had a plan, a very open adoption that everyone felt comfortable with and all seemed as good as good could be. The birth mother was positive she was making the right decision no matter how many times we tried to question her or change her mind. She knew what she wanted for her baby and no one was going to change her mind. Adoption was her idea and hers alone.

Time went by, each time we spoke we all reassured each other of our intentions. An attorney was hired, paper were signed, baby items were purchased, they asked us to pick a name for the baby, maternity clothes were purchased, a baby shower was planned and then BAM, she changed her mind. Just like that. Back to square one.

We are not upset with them. We want them to keep their baby. We want them to grow up and work it out. It’s just painful how it all went down. 21 year old's are a bit selfish and can NOT begin to imagine our disappointment. But life goes on. Lesson learned.

This just happened a couple weeks ago. Life feels normal again. The sadness has lifted. But we were so close, closer than ever before to being parents. It has left us wanting to try IVF again now more than ever. 

So here we are once again scrambling to raise $15,000 for an IVF cycle. This time around we are using ARC.  With ARC we can do one fresh cycle and one frozen cycle (only if the frozen is needed) for a little over $12,000. I have a bit of unused medication from our 2011 cycle so that should save us a few pennies on medication. Whew!! 

Without the help of my mom and two of my sister-in-laws I wouldn't be able to continue this path. Jason and I are maxed out. The stress and disappointment is more than we can even express at this point. We need all the cheerleaders we can get. So… GAME  ON!!

Next step on this roller coaster ride, MONEY!! Wish us luck.

"I Would Die For That"

Friends

The other day a bloggie friend sent me an email to check in on me and see how I was doing. I responded and told her what was up. She then replied with the sweetest email. I am so lucky to have such sweet bloggie friends. I love that I have a small little community of friends from around the country that can totally relate and know just the right thing to say.

This is a little piece of her email. I mean really, why am I so lucky to know this woman :)

I think they're prices are fairly reasonable and if you came to him, you could stay with us...seriously, we're like 5 minutes from his office. I'll even give you your PIO shots if you need me to! Just throwing that out there for food for thought...

Thank you "A" for the email. It warms my heart every time I think of your offer.

Spark, Spunk, Joy......... Happiness

I ripped this pic from the Internet. I love it. When I am feeling like myself this is what my brain looks like :)



It's official folks, I have lost my SPARK!!

For those who know me know I am a cheerful, colorful, sparky sometimes spazzy kind of girl. If's "it's" funky, old, vintage or weird I love it. If "it" shines, glimmers, glitters I am drawn to it. Several years ago my hair was pink and then purple (not in a cut your wrists emo kind of way but in a fun kind of way).

Well friends I have lost that girl. I have felt different the past couple months and just wrote it off as crazed hormones from the IVF medication. But that was in May. That can't still be it, can it? That medication jacked me up. I was a crazy person who's freaking hair was falling out. JOY!

My husband has said a number of times I seem like something is on my mind, I don't seem like myself. My boss asked me out of the blue a couple weeks ago if I was ok. A couple other people have said little things in passing asking if something was wrong. Today my sister in law asked me if I was ok and said something seems to be off with me. She said I am usually crazy and happy and I haven't been like that for awhile. Geeeeezzzzz people is it that noticeable?


I don't feel like myself. I feel weird but I can't put my finger on it. It's not depression. It's like my spark is gone. My cheerful little weirdness has faded. WTF?!?!?!?

I know I get caught up in my own thoughts, A LOT!! I worry, worry, worry about IVF and babies. Looks like now that others have noticed my spark is gone I need to put my big girl panties on and find some flipping joy in my day to day life.

If I was in Salt Lake I would make an appointment with my favorite funky hair stylist. I would start my come back tomorrow with short pink hair. That will have to wait until December. For now I will just try and focus on being happy, finding joy in my day to day like. I need remind myself kids or no kids my life is A-OK.

Wish me luck. I am going to need it.

IVF is addicting

Even Barbie's friend Midge can get prego in her plastic uterus. Stupid chick.

Please tell me how something so expensive and stressful can be SO addicting?!?!?!?!? It should be a crime to charge baby starved folks tons of money to have a baby.

Jason and I went to our adoption orientation and it was very eye opening to say the least. I am happy that we went because it answered a ton of questions. The amount of time, research and energy that it will take is more than we have to give right now. We just don't have the energy for both IVF and adoption. We are not ready to give up on biological babies just yet. For those of you who have done IVF or adoption, you know they take a 100% of your heart and soul. We would like to focus on IVF right now. I am not getting any younger over here. In no way shape or form have we closed the door to adoption. I just want a flipping baby in MY UTERUS JUST ONCE!!!! Just one little chubby Jen and Jason. That's all I ask.

I am considering using a new RE in Utah. Two of my dear friends have used Sandy Reproductive Center and both have nothing but great things to say about the clinic. My husband and I will be in Utah to see my family this Christmas so I think we will visit the clinic then. Hope to try IVF #2 early 2012.

Congrats to my dearest friend Jenny !!!!! The world is blessed to have you. I love and miss ya like crazy.

New Path

My husband and I had a heart to heart about family, IVF, adoption and our desire to be parents. We have both decided we are ready to look into adoption. My husband has always said he would adopt if IVF doesn't work but he has now come to a place in his heart that he would like to work toward both. I have a much deeper respect and love for my husband after this conversation. His heart is HUGE.

We are attending an adoption orientation at the end of this month. We have signed up for the class. We will be receiving paperwork and an invitation in the mail any day now. I am beyond excited. At this point we are thinking foster to adopt is the best option for us. We are open to ages 0-3 boy or girl and we are also open to a sibling group. Hopefully orientation will help figure out the best road for us.

My heart jumps out of my chest and my eyes fill with tears whenever I think that one or more of our future children are already on this earth waiting for us!!!!!! What an amazing feeling and crushing at the same time.

We are still moving forward with IVF but I feel much better about not having all our eggs in one basket. I truly don't care how our little family is started just as long as we start.

I told my Mom about our plan a couple days ago and asked her not to say anything because I was afraid of peoples negative reaction and opinions about adoption. BUT then I thought this is OUR life and our family. I will not let others negative outlook towards how we create our family scare me and keep me from being excited.

That's all for now. I feel super great about the path we are on.

PLEASE READ!!!!!

Bringing Carson....and John Home: NEED TO MOVE FAST!: "God, we need you. We give this to you Lord. We know that you brought us to this and you can get us through this. We could very well be sub..."

This and that

First off I am SAD. Sad, sad, sad. I have been following http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/ for sometime now. This sweet couple just lost their baby. My heart is broken for them. Hop on over and send her a bit of love.

And I am SAD for my sweet friend http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/ BUT am very happy that she and her honey get to go on a much needed vacation. Have tons of fun sweetie pie.

BUT I am soooooooooo happy for this sweet little mama http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com/ TWINS!!!! Congrats!!!!!

As for me I am good. We are recovering from the heartache and disappointment of our failed cycle.We have decided to talk about our future IVF plans again in a month, give it a rest for a bit and then work it out. I can't imagine looking at a needle anytime soon (I still have a full sharps container and have no clue what the hell do to with it??????). I think we will try and find a doctor closer to our house BUT I adore Dr. Anderson so I haven't committed to that decision yet.

I feel a bit grumpy (yes Alyssa I am STILL grumpy :) ) and hope to get out of this little funk soon. I turned 35 this weekend and I was really truly thinking we would have a baby by now or at least pregnant for crying out loud. So my birthday was a little weird because I keep thinking I missed my little goal or something. So now I hope to have a child by the time I am 40!!! Five years should be long enough. HA!!! That was a joke.

I wish everyone the best of luck with their upcoming cycles.

That's all.

xoxoxo

Cancelled!!!!!!

We had to cancel this cycle. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Anderson called with today's numbers.......... 9,000!!!!!! I haven't taken follistim since Thursday morning for crying out loud. He was super sweet and felt really badly about the entire deal. He said he can't believe my estradiol went from 1,600 Tuesday and just took off like a rocket from there.

I need some major rest. I want my body back. NO MORE MEDS!! I just want to feel like JEN again, please!!

Thank goodness we are in Alaska. This place really softens the blow :)

Coasting

Still here. Still waiting. Coasting.

I had blood work yesterday and my estrodiol was at 6,000. FUCK! (sorry)

Tuesday- I don't know the number but Doc said it was perfect!! Right where it should have been.
Wednesday- My ovaries went wild
Thursday it was 5,000
Friday around 9,000 (he's guessing)
Saturday 6,000

I had a blood draw this morning and I am waiting to hear back this afternoon. Doc said he needs to see a pretty big drop in order to continue. He just let another lady coast for three days and it worked out so it could work for me too. I think my numbers are much higher than hers. Who knows.

I am beyond drained. I am soooooo tired. My stomach is HUGE. We are coasting and it SUCKS!!!!!!!

BUT Alaska is amazing so all is well :)

Estradiol is sky flipping high

Alaska is beautiful. We LOVE it here.

We haven't had Internet in our hotel until today!!

So yesterday I have my estradiol checked and it was at 5,000!!!!! Not good. I was scheduled to take my trigger shot at 8am this morning. Everything looks great other than that stupid number. It might be around 9,000 today!!! I am off Follotim and we are going to recheck my estradiol Saturday. If it doesn't go down this party is over.

That's all I've got for now ladies. We are off to explore a bit. We are both tired and over all drained. We just need to spend a little time enjoying Alaska to keep our minds off of everything.

Peace out

You could fit Louisiana into Alaska 13 times! One-fifth the size of the Lower 48, Alaska is bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined!




OK people the time has come. We are Alaska bound tomorrow morning 7:30AM!!!

Had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. Everything looks great. Medicine is working. My uterus looks "excellent".

We are going to miss our doggies sooooooooooo freaking much. I wish they could come along. They would LOVE the cool weather.

My wonderfully sweet sister-in-law Lela (and bother-in-law) gave us a very, very nice gift. I love you two so much and I'm thankful you are my family.

Love you all. I will update as soon.

Mother's Day

Face*book is not the place to be today!! I am a dummy and logged in this morning after about 2 minutes of, "There is no more important job than a mother", "Re-post this if you are a mother", "Without my kids I am nothing", blah, blah, blah. I mean I don't want the entire world to be infertile but goodness me FB is depressing today.

So Happy (trying to be a, working on it dammit) Mother's Day to all my sweet girls. If your little frozen embryos could send a card they surely would :)

And Happy Mother's Day to my cute as ever Mom.

Love you all to pieces.

Good times with Follistim

I started my meds yesterday. Lupron (0.1 ml) twice a day and Follistim (150 IU) once a day.

I woke up yesterday excited and ready to go. I decided to try and give myself the injections. I was scared shitless but I DID IT!!! Not to bad. No real pain involved UNTIL around 3pm when my head started killing me. I felt woozy and just overall crappy. I left work at 5pm and was in bed by 5:45pm. I was asleep in no time. My husband woke me up for my 7pm shot. The plan all along has been for him to give me the injections. I got everything ready so that he could just give me the shot and be done. He had the needle in his hand and I was pinching the skin on my belly. He stuck the needle in and immediately pulled it out. I was shocked and asked him in a tired confused voice what happened. He thought he stick my finger. GOOD TIMES!! So he tried again and all went well. I went right back to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling much better. We did the shots again but this time I was laying on the bed so he had a better view of my belly. Everything went smoothly. He was very careful and it didn't hurt a bit.

This entire time I have been afraid of the actual shots and haven't once thought about the side effects. I had no idea the side effects would be sooooooooooooooooo instant. I work with a girl that did IVF in November and she said she felt the effect instantly also. She helped me feel less nuts :)

So other than having a mild headache that seems to be creeping up on me again today and feeling a bit woozy, all is well.

Plan tickets are purchased (thanks Daddy D) hotel is booked, rental car is reserved, doggie baby sitter has been given his duties, luggage is out and the ball is rolling. I need to stop by a medical supply store this weekend and purchase something to keep my meds cold for our 15 hour flight.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support.