COME ON BABY!!!!!

Friends

2011-08-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

The other day a bloggie friend sent me an email to check in on me and see how I was doing. I responded and told her what was up. She then replied with the sweetest email. I am so lucky to have such sweet bloggie friends. I love that I have a small little community of friends from around the country that can totally relate and know just the right thing to say.

This is a little piece of her email. I mean really, why am I so lucky to know this woman :)

I think they're prices are fairly reasonable and if you came to him, you could stay with us...seriously, we're like 5 minutes from his office. I'll even give you your PIO shots if you need me to! Just throwing that out there for food for thought...

Thank you "A" for the email. It warms my heart every time I think of your offer.

Spark, Spunk, Joy......... Happiness

2011-08-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

I ripped this pic from the Internet. I love it. When I am feeling like myself this is what my brain looks like :)

It's official folks, I have lost my SPARK!!

For those who know me know I am a cheerful, colorful, sparky sometimes spazzy kind of girl. If's "it's" funky, old, vintage or weird I love it. If "it" shines, glimmers, glitters I am drawn to it. Several years ago my hair was pink and then purple (not in a cut your wrists emo kind of way but in a fun kind of way).

Well friends I have lost that girl. I have felt different the past couple months and just wrote it off as crazed hormones from the IVF medication. But that was in May. That can't still be it, can it? That medication jacked me up. I was a crazy person who's freaking hair was falling out. JOY!

My husband has said a number of times I seem like something is on my mind, I don't seem like myself. My boss asked me out of the blue a couple weeks ago if I was ok. A couple other people have said little things in passing asking if something was wrong. Today my sister in law asked me if I was ok and said something seems to be off with me. She said I am usually crazy and happy and I haven't been like that for awhile. Geeeeezzzzz people is it that noticeable?

I don't feel like myself. I feel weird but I can't put my finger on it. It's not depression. It's like my spark is gone. My cheerful little weirdness has faded. WTF?!?!?!?

I know I get caught up in my own thoughts, A LOT!! I worry, worry, worry about IVF and babies. Looks like now that others have noticed my spark is gone I need to put my big girl panties on and find some flipping joy in my day to day life.

If I was in Salt Lake I would make an appointment with my favorite funky hair stylist. I would start my come back tomorrow with short pink hair. That will have to wait until December. For now I will just try and focus on being happy, finding joy in my day to day like. I need remind myself kids or no kids my life is A-OK.

Wish me luck. I am going to need it.

IVF is addicting

2011-08-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

Even Barbie's friend Midge can get prego in her plastic uterus. Stupid chick.

Please tell me how something so expensive and stressful can be SO addicting?!?!?!?!? It should be a crime to charge baby starved folks tons of money to have a baby.

Jason and I went to our adoption orientation and it was very eye opening to say the least. I am happy that we went because it answered a ton of questions. The amount of time, research and energy that it will take is more than we have to give right now. We just don't have the energy for both IVF and adoption. We are not ready to give up on biological babies just yet. For those of you who have done IVF or adoption, you know they take a 100% of your heart and soul. We would like to focus on IVF right now. I am not getting any younger over here. In no way shape or form have we closed the door to adoption. I just want a flipping baby in MY UTERUS JUST ONCE!!!! Just one little chubby Jen and Jason. That's all I ask.

I am considering using a new RE in Utah. Two of my dear friends have used Sandy Reproductive Center and both have nothing but great things to say about the clinic. My husband and I will be in Utah to see my family this Christmas so I think we will visit the clinic then. Hope to try IVF #2 early 2012.

Congrats to my dearest friend Jenny !!!!! The world is blessed to have you. I love and miss ya like crazy.

New Path

2011-06-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

My husband and I had a heart to heart about family, IVF, adoption and our desire to be parents. We have both decided we are ready to look into adoption. My husband has always said he would adopt if IVF doesn't work but he has now come to a place in his heart that he would like to work toward both. I have a much deeper respect and love for my husband after this conversation. His heart is HUGE.

We are attending an adoption orientation at the end of this month. We have signed up for the class. We will be receiving paperwork and an invitation in the mail any day now. I am beyond excited. At this point we are thinking foster to adopt is the best option for us. We are open to ages 0-3 boy or girl and we are also open to a sibling group. Hopefully orientation will help figure out the best road for us.

My heart jumps out of my chest and my eyes fill with tears whenever I think that one or more of our future children are already on this earth waiting for us!!!!!! What an amazing feeling and crushing at the same time.

We are still moving forward with IVF but I feel much better about not having all our eggs in one basket. I truly don't care how our little family is started just as long as we start.

I told my Mom about our plan a couple days ago and asked her not to say anything because I was afraid of peoples negative reaction and opinions about adoption. BUT then I thought this is OUR life and our family. I will not let others negative outlook towards how we create our family scare me and keep me from being excited.

That's all for now. I feel super great about the path we are on.

PLEASE READ!!!!!

2011-05-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

Bringing Carson....and John Home: NEED TO MOVE FAST!: "God, we need you. We give this to you Lord. We know that you brought us to this and you can get us through this. We could very well be sub..."

This and that

2011-05-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

First off I am SAD. Sad, sad, sad. I have been following http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/ for sometime now. This sweet couple just lost their baby. My heart is broken for them. Hop on over and send her a bit of love.

And I am SAD for my sweet friend http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/ BUT am very happy that she and her honey get to go on a much needed vacation. Have tons of fun sweetie pie.

BUT I am soooooooooo happy for this sweet little mama http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com/ TWINS!!!! Congrats!!!!!

As for me I am good. We are recovering from the heartache and disappointment of our failed cycle.We have decided to talk about our future IVF plans again in a month, give it a rest for a bit and then work it out. I can't imagine looking at a needle anytime soon (I still have a full sharps container and have no clue what the hell do to with it??????). I think we will try and find a doctor closer to our house BUT I adore Dr. Anderson so I haven't committed to that decision yet.

I feel a bit grumpy (yes Alyssa I am STILL grumpy :) ) and hope to get out of this little funk soon. I turned 35 this weekend and I was really truly thinking we would have a baby by now or at least pregnant for crying out loud. So my birthday was a little weird because I keep thinking I missed my little goal or something. So now I hope to have a child by the time I am 40!!! Five years should be long enough. HA!!! That was a joke.

I wish everyone the best of luck with their upcoming cycles.

That's all.

xoxoxo

Cancelled!!!!!!

2011-05-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

We had to cancel this cycle. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Anderson called with today's numbers.......... 9,000!!!!!! I haven't taken follistim since Thursday morning for crying out loud. He was super sweet and felt really badly about the entire deal. He said he can't believe my estradiol went from 1,600 Tuesday and just took off like a rocket from there.

I need some major rest. I want my body back. NO MORE MEDS!! I just want to feel like JEN again, please!!

Thank goodness we are in Alaska. This place really softens the blow :)

Coasting

2011-05-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

Still here. Still waiting. Coasting.

I had blood work yesterday and my estrodiol was at 6,000. FUCK! (sorry)

Tuesday- I don't know the number but Doc said it was perfect!! Right where it should have been.
Wednesday- My ovaries went wild
Thursday it was 5,000
Friday around 9,000 (he's guessing)
Saturday 6,000

I had a blood draw this morning and I am waiting to hear back this afternoon. Doc said he needs to see a pretty big drop in order to continue. He just let another lady coast for three days and it worked out so it could work for me too. I think my numbers are much higher than hers. Who knows.

I am beyond drained. I am soooooo tired. My stomach is HUGE. We are coasting and it SUCKS!!!!!!!

BUT Alaska is amazing so all is well :)

Estradiol is sky flipping high

2011-05-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Alaska is beautiful. We LOVE it here.

We haven't had Internet in our hotel until today!!

So yesterday I have my estradiol checked and it was at 5,000!!!!! Not good. I was scheduled to take my trigger shot at 8am this morning. Everything looks great other than that stupid number. It might be around 9,000 today!!! I am off Follotim and we are going to recheck my estradiol Saturday. If it doesn't go down this party is over.

That's all I've got for now ladies. We are off to explore a bit. We are both tired and over all drained. We just need to spend a little time enjoying Alaska to keep our minds off of everything.

Peace out

2011-05-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

You could fit Louisiana into Alaska 13 times! One-fifth the size of the Lower 48, Alaska is bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined!

OK people the time has come. We are Alaska bound tomorrow morning 7:30AM!!!

Had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. Everything looks great. Medicine is working. My uterus looks "excellent".

We are going to miss our doggies sooooooooooo freaking much. I wish they could come along. They would LOVE the cool weather.

My wonderfully sweet sister-in-law Lela (and bother-in-law) gave us a very, very nice gift. I love you two so much and I'm thankful you are my family.

Love you all. I will update as soon.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

Face*book is not the place to be today!! I am a dummy and logged in this morning after about 2 minutes of, "There is no more important job than a mother", "Re-post this if you are a mother", "Without my kids I am nothing", blah, blah, blah. I mean I don't want the entire world to be infertile but goodness me FB is depressing today.

So Happy (trying to be a, working on it dammit) Mother's Day to all my sweet girls. If your little frozen embryos could send a card they surely would :)

And Happy Mother's Day to my cute as ever Mom.

Love you all to pieces.

Good times with Follistim

2011-05-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

I started my meds yesterday. Lupron (0.1 ml) twice a day and Follistim (150 IU) once a day.

I woke up yesterday excited and ready to go. I decided to try and give myself the injections. I was scared shitless but I DID IT!!! Not to bad. No real pain involved UNTIL around 3pm when my head started killing me. I felt woozy and just overall crappy. I left work at 5pm and was in bed by 5:45pm. I was asleep in no time. My husband woke me up for my 7pm shot. The plan all along has been for him to give me the injections. I got everything ready so that he could just give me the shot and be done. He had the needle in his hand and I was pinching the skin on my belly. He stuck the needle in and immediately pulled it out. I was shocked and asked him in a tired confused voice what happened. He thought he stick my finger. GOOD TIMES!! So he tried again and all went well. I went right back to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling much better. We did the shots again but this time I was laying on the bed so he had a better view of my belly. Everything went smoothly. He was very careful and it didn't hurt a bit.

This entire time I have been afraid of the actual shots and haven't once thought about the side effects. I had no idea the side effects would be sooooooooooooooooo instant. I work with a girl that did IVF in November and she said she felt the effect instantly also. She helped me feel less nuts :)

So other than having a mild headache that seems to be creeping up on me again today and feeling a bit woozy, all is well.

Plan tickets are purchased (thanks Daddy D) hotel is booked, rental car is reserved, doggie baby sitter has been given his duties, luggage is out and the ball is rolling. I need to stop by a medical supply store this weekend and purchase something to keep my meds cold for our 15 hour flight.

Thanks to everyone for all of your love and support.

Wishing everyone the very best

2011-05-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

Ladies (Jen, Lindsey, Tiffany..........All of you)

TONS of ladies are starting meds this week and I want to wish you all the very best.

I start my meds on the 5th. I know the feelings you are having right now and the crazy thoughts that are running through your head. Wild and crazy thoughts.

I wish you a pain free, stress free and easy going cycle. I hope you get all the love and support you deserve. I pray your bodies are strong and healthy. I pray your doctor has a sharp mind and steady hand. I hope all your dreams come true!!!!! I truly do.

I heard a great quote the other day, "99 is not 100." So simple and so true. We share empty yet full hearts. Missing just a little piece. I love you all and pray we all find what we are looking for.

On a side note: The documentary film "Wasteland" is the best of the best. It will break your heart and fill you with hope all in the same breath.

"In a shining lesson, a wise old man imparts the necessity of recycling each and every possible item, valuing everything, “because 99 is not 100.” There is always more you can do; there is always a unique individual who can do something special in this world."

The Versatile Blogger Award

2011-04-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

The Coolest girl EVER nominated me an award!!! I wish I lived by this woman!! She is the best.
So, here's how it works:

Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.

Link back to the person who gave you it.

Tell 10 things about yourself

Award 15 recently discovered blogger's.

Contact the blogger's you have awarded to let them know they have won.

10 things about me

1- I do NOT eat animals

2- I adore dogs more than I do most people

3- I am half Mexican

4- I met my husband when we were 17 years old. Dated on and off for years. Broke up and didn't speak for 10 years. Not one word. Reconnected in April of 2008 and haven't been apart since.

5- I wish I had a million tattoo's but I know better. One is good for now.

6- I love beer (and miss it right now)

7- I love the author Billie Letts

8- Love the snow, mountains and cold weather (BUT live in Louisiana where it's flat, hot and humid)

9- I am never on time for work. Never have been, never will be. BUT I am on time for everything else.

10- I hope to one day have a tons of kids and rescued animals living all around me. I hope to be coated in animal fur and happy as hell :)

The Nominees:

http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/ (My Cycle Sista)

http://awomb4rent.blogspot.com/ (My soul sista)

http://fourbabies4us.blogspot.com/ (My support sista)

http://bartandpaige.blogspot.com/ (My long lost sista)

I know this is not 15 people but it's past my bedtime.

Meds, meds, meds

2011-04-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

Holy freaking meds Batman!! My meds arrived today. My chest has been tight, tight, tight ever since. It all seems so overwhelming.

I had a pre-ultrasound and blood work this morning. Nurse Alaska faxed my orders to a clinic about an hour from my house. I showed up this morning for my 9:30am scheduled appointment. I walked in happy and ready to go. The receptionist (aka Crappy Eye Sight = CES) said to me, "Do you have your orders with you?"

Me- "My nurse faxed the orders a couple weeks ago."

CES- "We don't have them, I looked. Can you call your doctor and have them faxed?"

Me- "My doctors is in Alaska. It's 4:30am in Alaska."

CES: "Well we can't see you without orders."

Me (with a super pissed off face)- "I will try can call my nurse but I know she faxed them."

CES (sooooo sure of herself)- "I will look again and call our sister clinic but like I said I looked before you got here and we don't have them."

So I sat in the waiting area flipping out so upset and the next thing I hear is, "OH here they are. They were hiding"

Hiding!!!!!!!!!!

Thank goodness she found them but I wanted to kick her freaking head off. I smiled and said, "Oh good. Thank you"

I had no clue what the orders said. I knew I needed an ultrasound and possible blood work but I thought they would tell me what I need to do.

I had my ultrasound and everything went well. After that I was so happy about the techs report that I walked right out the door without checking out. CES came running outside and said, "We need to check you out." So I felt like a idiot turned around and went back in. As I am checking out the nurse comes up and says I think we need to do blood work on Jennifer. CES says, "I don't think so." Nurse looks and the orders and says, yep, come with me.

So that was my weird little morning. My head wasn't there and neither was CES's!!!!!!!

Dearest Jenny and Lindsey I am so excited to start a May cycle with you two. We better ALL get a BFP!!!

Beloved One

2011-04-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

OK I know I am in the throws of IVF but I can't help but still have my daily fantasy of adopting.

I have wanted to adopt for YEARS now. I would drop everything and adopt tomorrow if life's decisions were totally 100% up to me. All decisions should never be left up to me because I would have 500 adopted kids and 1,000 resuced dogs (which sounds amazing to me and me only). So I guess it's good my husband is my little filter.

At times I truly wonder if the reason we are having such troubles making our own biological babies is because the world wants us to adopt. Who knows but my point to all of this is whenever I hear the song "Beloved One" by Ben Harper I think of how I would play this song to my adopted child every freaking day for a 100 years. (My Mother is reading this and at this point she is thinking, "Jesus Jennifer that is so sad. You are so weird) RIGHT MOM. I nailed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen to the song Mom. It's great!

"Beloved One"

We have both been here before

Knockin' upon love's door

Begging for someone to let us in

Knowing this we can agree to keep each other company

Never to go down that road again

My beloved one

My beloved one

Your eyes shine through me

You are so divine to me

Your heart has a home in mine

We won't have to say a word

With a touch all shall be heard

When I search my heart it's you I find

My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

You were meant for me

I believe you were sent to me

From a dream straight into my arms

Hold your body close to me

You mean most to me

We will keep each other safe from harm

My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

My beloved one

Moving right along

2011-04-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Nurse Alaska called yesterday and it looks like we will need to be in Alaska by May 11th. I have a doctors appointment here in Louisiana on the morning of the 10th and then we fly out at 6pm that same day. We have a layover so our travel time will be about 15 hours!!!!!!!! Gross!!!! BUT we will be asleep for a lot of the flight so that works.

I just booked our hotel room and the sweet hotel woman gave us a discount when I told her why we are traveling to Alaska. TEARS!!!!!!!!! People are so flipping sweet sometimes.

We are sooooooooooo excited to see Alaska. It's HOT and humid here right now so it will be nice to go some place with cool dry air. AND NO BUGS. AND MOUNTAINS!!!

My meds are ordered and should be on the way soon, soon, soon. I have a pre-ultrasound a week from today. It's all moving so quickly. Now if the "two week wait" moves just as fast we will be set.

What's my part in all of this??

2011-04-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

I go on and on and on and on and on and on about how IVF sucks, not being a mother sucks, how hard all of this is on ME. Well while trying to explain to my husband the other day what the process will be for ME he stopped me and said, "I understand what YOU need to do but what do I need to do." HA!!! Wow. I guess I skipped the part. :( I said well you will be put in a little room with a specimen cup, a little girl on girl action and will need produce us a nice healthy sample. He said ok that's what I thought. Simple. Done. Over.

I read and research and talk to anyone and everyone that will listen about my part in this deal but I failed to think about how he doesn't seek that same knowledge because he is depending on me to tell him what he needs to do. That's what men do, right!

I am trying to remind myself more often that he plays a MAJOR roll in all of this and without mutual love and support it just wont work!!!!!!!!! And Lord knows we want this to work.

Game plan

2011-04-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

Nurse Alaska sent me a schedule. Things are getting more and more real as the days go by.

4/14 Start BCP

4/28 Pre-ultasound and bloodwork (at IVF clinic here in Louisiana)

4/30 Last BCP

5/10 Ultasound and more blood work (Lousiana clinic)

Collection aka ALASKA sometime between 5/14 - 5/17

In all of this I will start my meds also. Not sure what day I start that bucket of fun.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!

Aunt Flo

2011-04-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

My dear Aunt Flo showed up today!! Good girl!!

I called Nurse Alaska to let her know. Just waiting to hear back from her so that we can set a schedule. Looks like I will be on birth control for 14-21 days starting Thursday and then I will start my meds. Ahhhhhh!!

In a weird twist of fate today I met a girl from my work that did IVF last November. She works at a different office and has been at my office helping out this week. She is super easy to talk to so we starting chatting and I discovered she had just done IVF. Instant bond!!! She has allllllll sorts of shit left over. Needles, meds, sharps container ................ you name it. She is going to gather up all her leftovers and bring them to ME!!!!!!!!!!!! How freaking great is she!!

I can't believe the time has come!!!!!! From this point on we are IN. ALL IN!!!!!!

Nurse Alaska called

2011-03-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

Nurse Alaska called yesterday and really cleared my head. She was super mellow and very matter of fact just like Dr. Anderson. She called me from her home and had tons of dogs barking in the back ground. My kind of girl.

Aunt flow should show up in about 12 days. That's when we can plan everything out. I am thinking we will be in Alaska sometime mid-May.

For now I am just trying to take good care of my body, cut down to one cup of coffee a day and exercise a bit. Hope to be off coffee completely in a couple weeks :( Coffee is my ONLY vice so I hate giving it up.

I am really excited for this adventure. I am ready for all the stress and WAITING that comes along with IVF. My past head doc told me to picture myself pregnant. Picture the embryo implanting. Picture each step working. Think as if it is going to happen. Ahhhhh It’s hard to do and not be afraid of getting your hopes up.

I turn 35 May 21st so time is a ticking. I totally thought I would have been a mother long before 35!!!

Oh the joys of jacked up fallopian tubes.

So that all I know for now. I will keep you posted.

A tiny little update

2011-03-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

(This pic is so weird)

OK M.B. this post is for you my dear :)

Nurse Alaska mailed my protocol and it arrived Saturday. I don't really understand what it all means! I left a message for Nurse Alaska telling her I received the paper work and was ready to go through it with her. She text me back and let me know she would be calling tomorrow around 3pm my time.

At this point it looks like we should be starting this process in about 14 days. Tomorrow I will have an exact timeline. We should be in Alaska sometime mid May. I think!!

I know its not much of an update but I truly won't know details until tomorrow.

I promise to update once Nurse Alaska sets me straight.

Back on the Doctor Anderson train

2011-03-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

Since the day I called Dr. Anderson's clinic in Alaska I have had a really good feeling about the place. I have called TONS of clinics over the past year or so and Dr. Anderson's clinic has had the nicest staff hands down. I was 99% positive I wanted to fly 4,500 miles so that Dr. Anderson could be my doctor without even speaking to him. I was sure because my wonderful friend Jen's Aunt Michelle (Aunt Michelle is the QUEEN of IVF) said he was awesome. And then I did a bit of research of my own and the couple ladies I found that had used Dr. Anderson loved him. Once I called the clinic and spoke with IVF coordinator I was sold. She was beyond helpful.

I was sold until last week when I became discouraged by how hard it was to get in contact with the doctor. He would call late and I would always miss his calls. So last week I started calling different clinics looking for a new doctor. I also called the clinic I have a relationship here. BLAH. I was so unhappy with everyone I called. I just kept thinking I know Dr. Anderson is my doctor.

Well today he called and I was able to talk to him. I asked if he thought it was nuts that we would be traveling sooooooooo far to use him. He said not a bit. He has had patients from all over the country. He is a very nice man.

Tomorrow I will contact his nurse and get this party started.

Thank you to all the wonderful gals that are using or have used Dr. Anderson for the wonderful information and advice. Alaska has the nicest freaking people :)

Game on ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to square one

2011-03-09T07:25:00.000-08:00

OK so I WAS super excited about using Doctor Anderson in Alaska. BUT I think I have had a change of heart.

I called the Alaska clinic the first week of January. The IVF coordinator was so super nice. She asked me to send in all of my medical records, fill out a bunch of paperwork and she would have the doctor review my records and call me for a phone consultation. So I rushed and rushed getting everything together.

I waited a couple weeks with no word. I called the office and she said the doctor is super busy and there was one other phone consultation ahead of me. No problem. A couple more weeks went by and still no word. I called once again and she said I was next. Awesome.

The phone call finally came last Wednesday at 10:45 PM!!!!!! OK wow. I was sound asleep. I saw the missed call and message when I woke up the next morning. Dr. Anderson left a very sweet message apologizing for calling so late and asked me to call back.

I called back Friday and he was out of the office. So the phone tag began. He returned my call Monday at 10:45 PM. Once again I was asleep. He also called last night around 9:45 PM. Bless his heart :)

At that point I am thinking the three hour time difference may really be a problem. The 4,500 miles may be a little too far. Plus the busy/expensive season in Alaska starts in May. I was hoping to get this party started before May. At this rate that will never happen. I hear wonderful things about Dr. Anderson and I am sure he is a wonderful doctor but I don't think he is the one for us.

Today I am calling the overpriced fancy fertility clinic by my house. The doctors at the clinic here are very nice. The coordinator is not so nice but whatever, its close.

Who knows, I may change my mind again in a week but for now I am moving on.

I wish all my sweet bloggie friends who are using Dr. Alaska the best of luck. I am jealous.

Tagged!!

2011-02-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

Tagged!

My sweetie pie bloggy friend from http://crossingmyfingersbutnotmylegs.blogspot.com/ tagged me =).

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
Ohhhhh my doggies are my babies. I adore them with all of my heart and soul!!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
For little baby Tripp to live pain free. Truly. I think about this sweet baby day and night!!!

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Save all the helpless children and animals in the world.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Umm I guess a little trashy tv. Anything on Bravo seems to do the trick.

5. What is your bedtime routine, with your kids?
No kids.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?
Jason and I met 17+ years ago!! We were 17 when we met. His brother and my cousin were dating at the time and they thought we should meet. A lot has happened in the past 17 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. What kind of books do you read?
Love me some Billie Letts

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Fat and hopefully happy as a pig in shit :)

9. What’s your fear?
That I wont be a mother.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
Never

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
COFFEE (the dogs have a dog door so I am not being selfish here)

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
Ahhhhh he is so dang cute (corny I know) but ummmm nothing really.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I have the most common name in the freaking world. It's fine. It seems to work for my uncommon ass.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?
Come on children SUN ALL THE WAY!!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Candy

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Connecting with others going through IF and helping each other -agree with the others

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
Sweetttttttttttttttt

18. What items are in your purse right now?
I am such a grandma. I have anything and everything you could ever need. Its like Boy Scout shit.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Hands down Mountains.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?
Bravo all the way baby. I could watch that trash 24/7

Four people I tagged:

http://adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com/

http://fourbabies4us.blogspot.com/

http://www.awomb4rent.blogspot.com/

http://bartandpaige.blogspot.com/

Happy Love Day to all my LOVELY Ladies.

2011-02-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the blog awards!!!

2011-02-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

Ladies thank you soooooo much for the blog awards. I am so sorry I am such a slacker and have yet to follow the rules of receiving such a sweet award!!! I love all my bloggie ladies and promise to follow up with soon, soon, soon. Thanks for being so freaking awesome everyone.

Spreading the word about Anton!!!!!!!!

2011-02-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

Click on link below

http://jenlovesjason.blogspot.com/2011/02/spreading-word-about-anton.html

Peaceful dream

2011-02-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream that was so real. I dreamt I had a baby girl. Not a new born but a little one that was old enough to sit up in a high chair. She had the most amazing brown eyes and was super mellow. She was sitting in her high chair and I was feeding her carrot baby food. I was really worried I wasn't feeding her the correct amount. I kept thinking I need to call my friend Jen and Jen will know how much I need to feed her.

This is not he first time I have had a dream about having a child. The crazy thing is, is every time I have a dream like this its the most peaceful dream. The lighting in my dream is perfect, the feeling I have is complete and total AWE. They are so real. And another weird thing is I never dream of a new born. It's always of a baby who is a bit older. But it's always so peaceful. It's nice.

I am sure I had the dream last night because Jason dropped a few baby names yesterday, my Mom and I text a couple baby names back and forth and I googled places to stay and see in Alaska (where the IVF doctor is located) for HOURS and HOURS yesterday.

Happy Monday Everyone. I hope you have a great week.

Still here

2011-01-14T08:23:00.000-08:00

Still here, still wondering, still doubting, still nervous, still excited, still naive, still scared shitless, still ready to get this show on the road.

Scared I will let my husband down. Scared he wont be a father because of me. (This is a major fight I have with myself daily)

Fearful and doubt are the name of this interfiles game.

BUT there is a naivety and hope that runs DEEP in me. Those two things are stronger than any doubt I may have so I keep on truckin'.

As much as I hate the situation we are in I wouldn't change it for the world because it has made me see amazing kindness in others and their desire for us to have children is as strong as ours.

There is a sweet girls blog I read and recently when she wrote she got a BFN from her first IVF attempt I let out a huge gasp and covered my face in complete disbelief. My heart was broken for her. I wanted to reach out and hug her. I wanted to be there for her and cry with her. I felt every bit of her broken heart. And while I hate that I have this connection with other I also feel comfort that none of us are alone in our struggles.

My minds eye paints such an awesome picture of our future children. All will be well in the end. I will keep on truckin'.

Thank you all for you love and support. Your kindness is what keeps me going!!!!!!!!!

(M.B. this post is for you :) )

The perfect gift!!

2011-01-04T17:03:00.000-08:00

My husband bought me the most wonderful Christmas gift. He ordered it forever ago, it's was stuck in some post office hub for 15 days!!!!!!!! Whatever, it's ok because it arrived today and its so freaking tender I want to eat it. I found this necklace over a year ago and asked for it for Christmas. I am so excited!!!!!!!!

The quote is BEAUTIFUL.

"TO YOU MY CHILD, MY BODY IS OPEN, BY EARTH, FIRE, WIND & SEA INTO MY ARMS I PRAY YOU SHALL BE."

http://www.etsy.com/transaction/39955887

Everyone of my lovely baby challenged ladies should check it out. Plus the lady who makes the jewelry is the sweetest person I have ever worked with, EVER.

Sharing is caring

2011-01-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

Just to be clear about the $5,000 Alaska deal. This does NOT included ALL the blood work, ultrasounds, semen analysis, etc that will need to be done prior to seeing the doctor. Insurance will NOT cover any of these tests!!!! Also $5,000 does NOT include travel expenses. While this may turn out to be a great deal for us, its still going to be very expensive.

Also I am sharing the pricing in hopes to help anyone else out there searching and searching and searching for the right IVF doctor at the right price. I have searched the web high and low regarding infertility and have found some really great info from people who willing to sharing very personal information. It's not always fun to share your financial situation or the fact that your body is "jacked up" BUT if by sharing my personal struggles I helps others than I will share, share, share. I can't tell you how many stories I have read regarding couples throwing in the towel because they just don't have the money. It's heartbreaking. So if we all share our personal struggles and pass on important info collected along the way we can hopefully help one another with this lovely little "thing" called INFERTILITY. If I was left to travel down the "babyless" road without other ladies sharing their stories and giving me HOPE I would have given up by now.

I wish everyone the very best. I hate that I have to be apart of the "can't make a baby without a perti dish club" but it truly is the most lovely bunch of ladies I have ever come across.

Hoping to make babies in Alaska

2011-01-01T18:36:00.000-08:00

OK so I think we found our IVF doctor. I am 95% positive we are using Doctor John Nels Anderson in Soldontna ALASKA!!! With meds this man charges under $5,000!!!!!!! That's right!!! $5,000!!!! I know, I know it seems to good to be true but its not. He is the real deal. He's is not the right man for every one's situation but in my case he hopefully will be. So it looks like we may be traveling 4,500 miles to make babies in Alaska. Tons more to come on Dr. Anderson but I will wait until I receive all my paperwork before I go on and on and on. (Thanks for the info Anutie M.!!!!!!!)

A sweet new little friend of mine told me about a couple other great clinic offering good pricing (one in New York and one in New Jersey). I have learned I do NOT need to do IVF in Louisiana. Many woman travel for treatment. That makes me very happy because Louisiana clinics are so expensive.

http://cnyfertility.com/

http://www.ccivf.com/

Side note: I KNOW IVF and infertility treatments are not ALL about the money BUT if money can be saved then I say do it.

I hope this is a blessed year for all of us.

2010-12-31T10:51:00.000-08:00

Grateful as one can be

2010-12-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

My heart is FULL right now. I am amazed by the love and concern people have for us and our "need" to have a baby.

Here is a little list of all the goodness that has me so damn full:

My dear friend Jen told another friend about our struggles. Her friend has been in our boat and beyond. Well her friend K has emailed me everyday with the most useful and solid advice. I am a total stranger to her and she take TONS of her time to write these wonderfully detailed emails regarding good clinic across America, cheap meds and so on.

My sweet Mother tries to keeps me from losing my head and letting my mind run away from me.

Auntie M. I feel like her word is golden. What she says goes. I trust her with my life. She tried and tried and tried and tried IVF and finally got her babies. She's like a little pot of gold. HOPE!!
And then there is my friend Marianna. I have known her for YEARS. Her and I have always had a connection. You know those good friends that you don't talk to for years and then bam you talk one day and its like you never missed a day. Well she's one of those yummy little friends. She sent me the cutest little Christmas card and I received it yesterday. I put her card in my tree for all to adore. She text me tonight and said, "Did you get your Christmas card?". I text her back that I got the card and loved it. She text me back and said, "Did you look in the envelope?" Ummmmmmmmmmm oops.......... She text me back said look in the envelope. Thank goodness I had not tossed the envelope yet. I found the envelope, pecked inside and found a check. This was not any old check. This was a check for a thousand dollars. In the memo was written IVF fund. Needless to say I was shocked. I am still shocked. The weird thing is seconds before she sent me the text regarding the card I was rubbing, YES rubbing a tick out of my sweet doggies head. I was on the verge of tears and throwing up from that when she text me about the card. My body went from being grossed out and feeling so bad for my doggie to JOY!! I called her the second I laid eyes on the check. My body wanted to laugh, cry, jump, yell......... I sounded like a crazy lady while talking to her trying to find the right words to express my gratitude. She of course was kind and said all the things only a true friend would know to say. Man oh man I am still so shocked. What a wonderul woman. Thank you Marianne!!!!

So you see my heart is full of love and gratitude right now. It's truly amazing how people care so much. I am thankful to all of you for understanding our struggles and doing everything you can to make us feel loved.

PS Bandit's tick is out. ALL the way out. I googled how to get a tick out and some really smart dude said rub that sucker fast in a clockwise direction until it backs out. Let me tell you how f-ing fun that was!!!! Grossest shit ever. I was dry heaving and gagging when I was done. Sweet Bandit layed there like a good boy. He has a big hole in his head but all seems to be well.

What a day!!!

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas

2010-12-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you!!

2010-11-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

I want to thank all of you who purchased Pampered Chef items from my sister-in-law for the IVF fundraiser she put together for us. I am sorry I haven't thank you sooner. Please forgive me :) Your kindness and support means the world to us. So many people have offered emotional and financial support and that fills my heart with such overwhelming gratitude knowing you all want Jason and I to have a family as desperately as we do. We love you all. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's therapeutic

2010-10-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been making tons of little girl clothes, bows and now a baby blanket. I truly feel like its therapeutic. It's cute seeing little girl clothes laying around. Big fluffy bows piled on the kitchen table. And now a baby blanket folded nicely waiting for a baby to wrap and keep warm. My plan was to make the blanket and sell it but I feel a little bond with this blanket. Its the first blanket I have ever made so I feel like I should keep it just in case!! Maybe I will sell the next one and keep this one for my future babies :)

October 15th

2010-10-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

I wish Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness was not needed, as we all do. If you have experienced this type of loss my heart breaks for you. I know how it feels to see a positive pregnancy test, over and over and over and then......nothing. Complete loss. But thanks to people bringing awareness to these issues hopefully woman (and men) will not grieve alone and will be offered to support they so desperately deserve.

I wish everyone happy, healthy pregnancies and BABIES!!!

Attention Baby Store Manager

2010-09-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

Still not babies (shocking I know). Still no IVF scheduled. We talk about our future babies all of the time but still no major plans in sight. Our money saved thus far for IVF has gained $17 dollars and change in interest ha ha!! My sister-in-law Kimberly raised us money through her Papered Chef gig (thank you Kim!!) and my sister-in-law Lela (I love your f-ing guts) has offered a nice chunk of change once we get this party started so at this point we need a little over $4,000. Getting much closer!!!!!!!

I read tons of adoption/foster blogs and watch the Adoption Story daily on Discovery Health Channel. LOVE that show. LOVE! I am not giving up on the hopes of having a biological child at all but adoption gives me hope that one way or another we will be parents. It's nuts to think our future child/children may already be on this earth. Born to a mother and father unable to care for them and one day our paths may cross. Either way I sure hope to have some babies sooner rather than later. So ummmm God, Universe or whomever is listening Lani (our niece) put in her order for our baby about two years ago and we are still waiting. Lani has been told babies come from the baby store :) She placed an order directly to the baby store manager about two years ago. We have told her the babies are on back order and they will get us one as soon as possible. Oh man if it was that easy we would all be some happy ladies

K.A. and J.M. I miss seeing you cute girls each day. I hope you both are happy and healthy.

You took the words right out of my mouth

2010-09-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

"TO YOU MY CHILD, MY BODY IS OPEN, BY EARTH, FIRE, WIND & SEA INTO MY ARMS I PRAY YOU SHALL BE"

Quote by: Accessory à la Mode

I would LOVE to pick them up today!!!!!

2010-08-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Why cant I just have them???? Just hand them over and I promise to love them with all my heart and soul. I am sick of, "if this", "if that". Why cant the stars be aligned right NOW!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!

Someone give me some babies :)

K.A. get your tissues ready before you open this link.

http://www.adoptuskids.org/child/ChildView.aspx?id=37942

Aren't they soooooooo cute!!!!!!!!! Pre-made and ready to go!!!!!!!

P.S. Someone please get me a job bagging groceries where I don't have access to the internet and I can turn my focus on how shitty the public treats the service industry. It's either that or I search for babies all GD day. Lord help me!!

P.S.S. Not sure who this "someone" is I keep talking to but if its YOU then get on your duties and Jen get some babies :)

Dreamland

2010-08-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago I had a dream that is still with me. It was vivid. Sometimes I love those dreams. The lighting, the smell, the way it felt was so real.

I had a dream "someone" gave me a baby boy. This baby was not a newborn. He was about three months old with a tuft of blonde curly hair on top of his little head. He was dressed in a pure white sweater outfit. It was thick and cozy. He smelled so good and was very mellow. I was just walking around holding him. The lighting in my dream was amazing. It was dusk and full of purple and blue colors. The baby was snuggled up with his face buried in my neck. Everyone I knew was around and they were all so happy for us. I just remember feeling at total peace.

I woke up feeling strange. Upset that it wasn't true but also very grateful I was able to have such a vivid dream. It stayed with me all morning. I can still smell the clean little baby.

Weird.

Tubal pregnancy preventer

2010-08-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

So to make myself feel better I would like to change the name from "birth control pill" to "tubal pregnancy preventer!!! I don't need BIRTH control for crying out loud. I need tubal pregnancy protection. I like the way that sounds much, much better.

Can I get an AMEN!!!!!!!

2010-08-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

Time Out

2010-08-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

We are taking a TIME OUT. The stress of collecting the remaining funds feels so forced and I hate the stress its causing me. While we have a great deal of the money needed already the remaining amount isn't as easy to get as the first half :) And thats really ok. I can wait. I just need a break from thinking about all of this IVF business. I know, I am only getting older and time is not on my side but the stress this is causing me doesn't seem the least bit healthy. So time to regroup, save the remaining amount needed, get my head on straight and start up again when ready. I have my fur babies and a great husband and for now that's all I need. Some day, some way we will have babies rather they be "ours" or not we will :)

I am NOT bitter, depressed or crazy!!!!!

2010-07-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Dear people in my life,

I am NOT depressed. While what is happening and has happened with my fertility is beyond frustrating I am still a happy, health person. I love my husband with all my heart. He is a great support system for me. He is super funny and as sweet as sweet can be. He cooks, he cleans, he treats our doggies like gold and he's easy on the eyes!! I am not ashamed of my feelings. I KNOW I am not the only infertile girl with these strange thoughts and feelings. I read TONS of fertility blogs and its a little community of woman who feel just like me. I would never EVER let anything in my life take over in a way that would destroy me. I am feeling all of these emotions at this point in my life because I am in limbo. I want babies, don't know if I can have them. I want to start the IVF process but we are short the funds. So the things you read and the emotions I have are complete and total frustration. LIMBO!!! Not depression. I would never let problems in my life take over. I would never lay down and die. I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am quick tempered. I need to get shit out. Everyone who know me should know at least this about me. Oh and I am not desperate. I want something and don't know how the fuck to get it. Its frustration not desperation. This is not the end of the road for us. Many blogs I read say blogging is like journaling. It's a way to write down all the sad, crazy thoughts that clouds your head. Don't read more into the shit I write than need be. If I need help or feel depressed Jason will be the first to call and let you ALL know. If you truly question my sanity call Jason. He may tell you I bitch a lot about stupid stuff but over all seem to be handling life just fine. Thanks for caring. I don't mean to cause alarm. This is a process so get on my crazy train and enjoy the ride!!!!! Got it??? Good.

Yours Truly,

Jenny

Apples new i phone commercial is total and complete SHIT!!!

2010-07-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

Please tell me you have the same hatred for the new i *phone* commercial as I do. It's the one titled "Big News". Barf!!!!! Its a cute little skinny girl telling her honey he is going to be a FATHER!! Gag!! I always change it when it comes on and last night I couldn't get to the remote in time. My husband even hates the commercial which is total and complete confirmation that it's a heartless, lame commercial!!!!!! I am sure some sperm filled 23 year old freshly graduated advertising "genius" created that commercial. Definitely wasn't a woman!!!!!!! And if it was a woman she should have her ovaries gouged out with a spoon.

Just in case you want to torture yourself here's the link. Beware!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXp3UwQxcwc&feature=related

You make me jealous with your babies and two nice legs.

2010-07-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

I can't help feeling jealous that you have children. I can't help it. I can't help that I don't understand you and you don't understand me. I do understand just because you have children doesn't mean I should also be able to have children but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it drives a wedge between our relationship. I feels awkward attending functions that belong to children. Sorry. I know, life is totally unfair. I should be grateful (and I am!!!) that I have a dear sweet husband, a wonderful place to rest my head and everyone around me is healthy and happy. I get that. But it still stings.

I feel like being an infertile is like being a marathon runner who lost a leg. You run and run seeing the finish line and BAM, legs gone. Sorry you cant finish the race. Just sit right here mourning the loss of your leg while we run and jump all around you. Look at our fabulous legs. Boy we sure love our nice legs. Hope you get a leg soon. Sure you MIGHT be able to run a marathon again one day but you need $15,000 dollars to start and there are NO guarantees we can help you but sign right here and lets see what happens. Oh your $5,000 from your prosthetic leg.........sorry not right now, you must WAIT!!!!! We know you don't have $5,000 dollars but you'll be ok, just wait. You have plenty of time. What was meant to be will be. Maybe you weren't meant to have two legs. Its all up to God. Maybe if you pray harder and sin less you can get a new leg. Whats that, between you and your husband you pay over $500 a month for insurance. Well insurance doesn't see it important for your to walk so just hang out and drive yourself nuts. Pray a little more. It worked for my sisters co-worker.

F*ck!!!! I could go on and on.

My point is I feel jealous of what I don't have (I know, I know, don't we all) and we are $5,000 dollars away from being parents (I hope to be the hated infertile that's IVF cycle worked on the first try) and I feel NO one in this world understands the complete and total urgency I feel to find away to get that money ASAP.

So close. Soooooooo sooooo close. Awwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh how I wish this was my lifes theme song!!!!! FUNNY SHIT!!!!!

2010-07-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

A friend and I were talking about my previous post, the lady with the dual uteruses. Well one thing led to another and she started singing this song. Thanks for the laughs K.A.

My Baby Daddy - B-Rock and the Bizz

I cant even get pregnant in my ONE uterus and this babe gets pregnant in BOTH of hers!!!! BOTH!!!

2010-07-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

The story below is from CNN.

Seriously??!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman who has been pregnant for more than 20 weeks is due to give birth to two babies. But they're not twins, because they’re growing inside separate uteruses and one is four days older.

Angie Cromar, a Murray, Utah, woman, was born with two uteruses, according to CNN affiliate KSL. The condition is known as uterus didelphys.

CNN.com spoke with Dr. Peter Greenspan, an associate chairman in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Medicine, about the condition. He is not involved with Cromar's care.

Usually women aren’t even aware they have double uteruses, he said.

This condition occurs during fetal development, when the two small tubes that would normally fuse together to create the uterus fail to join. This creates two separate uteruses.

Greenspan said he has seen several pregnancies in women with this condition and most of them conceive in one of the organs.

“I’ve a patient who had a baby on her right uterus, then come back pregnant years later in the left side and have a baby out of that side. It’s kind of interesting,” he said.

While it's rare to conceive in both at the same time, it has happened, he said. Doctors usually don’t remove an extra uterus unless it creates complications such as repeated miscarriages.

“The issue is preterm labor, because it is a smaller cavity. It’s half the uterus,” said Greenspan. “There are premature contractions. The other issue is they have trouble and can’t remain pregnant when they get to a certain point because the uterus is too small or too tight.”

Cromar, a labor and delivery nurse told KSL that she knew that risk of miscarriage or premature birth is slightly higher in double uterine pregnancies.

"I'm a little nervous, just because I know what can happen, but I'm really excited," she said.

Hope to START the IVF process in 90 days!!!!!!!

2010-07-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

OK so things are getting closer. I spoke with the IVF coordinator at my clinic and it looks like mid September (when aunt flow shows up) is when we will start the process. We still NEED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and I have NO clue how we are going to come up with the cash but.................. But what, I really don't know. Sure we could get a loan, put it on a credit card and so on but that doesn't seem right to me/us. I need to get a second job or some shit. Now the search for CHEAP meds. If anyone has any ideas how we can earn cash and FAST I am all ears :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Infertility is sooooooooo stupid!!!!!!

2010-07-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately and I am scared to EVEN try IVF. I know, I need to stay positive but I keep thinking, what if it doesn't work????? I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the one that spent $15,000 and got NOTHING but a kick in the ass. After soooooooooooo many failed pregnancies how on earth could the next be positive????????? I am scared, scared, scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K? K.

Bananas

2010-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

K.A. this is for you. Thanks for listening.

I think about babies every moment of everyday. I look at my husband and my heart breaks to think I may be the cause of his fatherless future. But I need to remain positive. I need to believe in science and my body. I sometimes think I would love to adopt a sibling group and a ton of animals. Then I think, well what if the universe really wants me to adopt and that’s why I can’t have babies. This is my own private little daydream, not my husbands. But really, thoughts like those help me feel not so desperate about our situation. Thinking outside the box makes me feel like we WILL be a parents one way or another. To be honest I have searched http://www.adoptuskids.org/ more than once. And let me tell you what THAT WEBSITE IS HEART WRENCHING.

Months and months ago I noticed an all boy/male sibling group, needing a forever family in Louisiana. Three little guys, Randy (12), John (10) and Jimmy (9). They, of course, want to be adopted together, AS A FAMILY, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE, A FUCKING FAMILY!!!! They want to live in the country (US TOO) and Jimmy loves bananas (ME TOO and so does Gizmo). Seems like the perfect match. Sign me up!!!!! I often daydream about adopting these little guys and living in the country. I check the website from time to time to see if they have been adopted, NOPE!!! Ugh. And then there is Jason (11). His brother Micah has been adopted and Jason is still waiting for a family. WHAT THE FUCK people?? These poor babies need a family ASAP. So you see, is me not being able to have babies the universes way of telling me/us……. ADOPT. Well Mr. Universe these are just my daydreams. My husband DOES NOT search the internet looking for babies that need a mama. No, that’s just my crazy ass. But really Universe give us at least one shot at having a baby. I would like at least ONE HEALTHY baby!!!!! From there we can talk adopting babies and animals and saving the world. I truly hope with all my heart and soul that Randy, John, Jimmy and Jason find amazing families that treat them like GOLD. I hope life stops throwing grownup problems at them and that they are able to live a beautiful life in the country, eating bananas.

Waiting for Daisy

2010-06-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Sunday I read this book from cover to cover. It is a great story about a couples desire to have a child.
It's a must read for those trying and TRYING to conceive.

Visualize.........

2010-06-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

My "head" doctor said, "VISUALIZE being pregnant. Visualize the IVF process. Visualize your ovaries working. Visualize the embryo attaching to your uterus. Visualize being pregnant."

Wow I love it. It really struck a cord in me. She also said, "You can't predict the outcome so imagine the very best."

I like her. She's smart.

Confused

2010-06-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

I am confused. I guess I don't completely understand ectopic pregnancies and IVF. I understand when trying to conceive naturally your risk of having an ectopic, after already having at least one, is higher and high with each one. Makes sense. OK so how in the hell do your chances increase with IVF once you have already had an ectopic. IVF with no history of ectopic's your chances are 2-3% chance of having one. IVF with history of ectopic 5%. I know we are talking LOW numbers here but how are your chances increased. Aren't the tubes out of the game at this point?? I guess I don't understand what the egg does before it implants. Does it travel all around, down the tubes and back before implanting. Does it travel down the tube and get stuck. I don't understand. Weird!! All I know is I have had my fill of ectopic pregnancies and I am not going to pay $15,000 for another. Oh the joys of being an infertile. Crap I tell ya!!!!!!! Crap!!

The PILL!!

2010-06-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

I just want to say life is confusing. I am on the pill but cant have babies without the help of IVF. And I'm not talking the birth control pill you take at the beginning of your IVF process so they can gain control over your cycle. I am talking straight up birth control. Because without this amazing little pill I would get pregnant in my remaining tube, AGAIN. I know, I know. It's good news in the grand scheme of things but weird as hell for a woman that wants a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got nothin'

2010-06-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

While I am sooooooooo excited about my upcoming IVF plans I just cant think of anything special to say this week. I am feeling bad for all the wildlife being tortured by the horrific BP OIL CLUSTER F*CK!! My heart truly hurts for the entire Gulf Coast. There is a heavy load on the folks down here and the mood is somber. It feels hopeless and desperate. I hate it. I hope that some how some way all the animals being affected by the oil feel no pain and if they must die I hope its quick and painless. Sad. Sad. Sad.

IVF Fund is GROWING!!!!!

2010-06-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

My MOM just added a nice CHUNK of change to the IVF fund. Thanks mom. Because of her lovely contribution I was able to revise my "CHIPIN" donation widget. The IVF fund is growing and that makes me happier than anyone could ever imagine. YIPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIONESS WANNA BE THATS ME

2010-06-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like a Lioness without a cub. I am protecting the idea of my future cub. I am protecting every thought, every dime, every wish I have for my future cub. It's all I have right now and I feel fierce so watch out, don't mess with me. This Lioness wanna be is watching for lurkers sniffing around her den disturbing her thoughts. Heaven help us all when I have pregnancy hormones running through my veins :)

I am lucky

2010-06-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

In the past year I have had three tubal pregnancies. I say this because once I really sit back and think about it that is some hardcore shit. In the infertile world I am considered "lucky". Most woman have NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test. Most have never seen their little "bean" on an ultrasound screen. Well I have experienced both. My problem is not getting pregnant its getting pregnant in my uterus. My fallopian ~~tubes~~ tube is crap and can't push the little baby to my uterus. The doctors know my problem and IVF was created for woman with my problem. YIPPY!!!!! So see, I am lucky. A new little friend of mine made a great point. She has unexplained infertility .She has spent years and TONS of money trying to conceive and still, nothing. She said, "If a doctor told me all I needed to do is pay $15,000.00 to have a baby, I would pay it in a heartbeat." Wow, really. I never thought of it like that and it sure makes me feel LUCKY.

DON'T say whats on your fertile little mind.

2010-06-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

It will happen when you least expect it.
If its meant to be it will be.
God has a plan for you.
Let go and let God.
Maybe you will get pregnant now that you aren't living in sin.
When you stop TRYING and relax it will happen.
You can have MY child.
Have you thought about adoption.

I really am working on not being so bitter. Really I am :)

Little bits of craziness fill my head and I blame it on Target

2010-05-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I cant help but "hate" pregnant strangers and women with newborn babies. I just went to Starbucks (in a Target store) and I felt like every woman in f-ing store was either prego or carrying a car seat. Jealousy feels my veins. Even worse when there is a mother with a boatload of children and she is yelling at half of them. Never would I wish a second of infertility on any of them, NEVER but I cant help but think of them as ungrateful. I KNOW this is just me being jealous. I just know it. And sometimes I look at pregnant woman and think what if she just completed her 3rd round of IVF and is so thankful to be pregnant she can hardly stand it. What if she has been trying for year and years and mortgaged her home ten times over. Maybe the women who have been trying and trying send off a different vibe then those who just climbed in bed and ta-da, pregnant. Again I am just being jealous. So I just hope the day I am cruising around Target 9 months pregnant I don't make a motherless woman jealous. Maybe I should just stay out of Target all together.

Step #1 THE MONEY

2010-05-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

This is ALL still sinking in. It is all so scary. The money, the medicine, the needles...... IVF is in our near future. WOW. Really??!! Most everyone gets to have a baby for "free". Not us. We must pay at least $15,000 to have us a little baby(s). I am grateful for modern medicine. We are truly blessed that there is hope for us. We are grateful for IVF. While it is expensive and insurance doesn't cover a dime, we are grateful for the option. Our goal is to start the IVF process late fall of 2010. Not much time to save THOUSANDS!!!!!!!! But we have hope that it will all work out. At this point we need $6,000 more dollars to begin. We were given a HUGE donation from a very dear family member. We are forever thankful for her kindness and know that her donation brings us steps away from our dream. In the next couple weeks we will be setting up a "donation" account. Without the help of others it could take us YEARS and could cause us to be in terrible debt. No way to start a family right :) So here starts the beginning steps of our IVF journey. Wish us luck.